Thursday, November 29, 2018

Full Hands

"Sometimes...your hands are so full of "Old" that they don't have time or space to embrace "New". "
(I don't know if that's a quote by anyone famous)

With the holiday season in full swing, I realized I was missing someone from my past. They had been on my mind a lot lately, as we usually shared a lot during this time of year with each other. I looked at old messages from this person, and was tempted to reach out...but something held me back.

Don't hold onto old. 

Today, I sat at my homeschool co-op, talking with some moms, sharing whatever popped into our mind or heart to share. Some of the ladies, I have seen for going on two years. Others, I had just met this semester.

Let go of the old. 

As I looked at them, talked and laughed with them...my heart went back to a conversation I had with my youngest the night before.

"Mama?" 
"Hmm?"
"If you could go back to PA...would you?" 
"No."
"Why?"
"Because...because God called me here. Called us here."
"Don't you miss it?"
"Sure. But here is our home." 

Open your hands to the new.

I passed a mom in the hallway as we left Co-Op. She greeted me like an old friend that morning, and here she was, rubbing my arm forcing me to stop the rushing auto-pilot so many of us go on as we scramble to clean our classrooms, find our kids, get them all in the car, think about what's for dinner as we drive, and get everyone home.

"Hey!"
"Hi!"
"We...need to hang out sometime."

"I know...uh...I'm in town on Wednesdays."
"Okay."
"Just...let me know what's a good time for you!"
"Okay! See you!"
"Have a good night!"

Let go of the old...

As I sat on my couch, looking at my glowing Christmas tree....all three incidents swirled around in my head.

With each year here, God has put more and more people not just into my path, but my children's path as well.

I didn't...I couldn't open myself up to anyone here. I was still bearing my soul to someone back home. I missed many potential encounters for closeness...for interaction...for deep friendships...

Let go of the old...

I thought about the faces of that Co-Op table. I thought about the brightness of the mom's eyes who passed me in the hall. I thought about my neighbors, the people I sit next to at church, the woman who always says she's praying for me even though I have been very guarded in what I say to her.

Let...go...

I realized something. I had prayed so long for community, for a feeling of "belonging" here.

And now I see...God had and continues to put many people in my path. He HAS given me community, and many women who have stretched out there hand to say to me "hey, you DO belong here."

I wanted to stretch out my hand to grab theirs...

...but my hands were full.

Full of people I had been grasping, clinging to...

People that were supposed to be in my life...for a season, and I had foolishly clung to them beyond their time. For many seasons. Even though we both got weary of holding each other's hand.

Let go of the old.

I looked on my social media page, at who was my "friend" on there. I looked at how many were relatively local, how many were from back East. I noticed how little I interacted with those from back East, and how little they interacted with me. They were different people in a different season. I was a different person many seasons ago.
Our hands were full of the old...the old memories, the old seasons, the old people we used to be around each other.

Open your hands to the new...

I realized I had been so busy coveting the old, that I had no room in my heart or hands for the new.

It's nice to have many friends in many places...but if you outgrow the friendship...you're holding onto the old and giving God zero opportunity to bring you new.

New places, new seasons, new people, new memories.

Let go of the old...Open your hands to the new. 

It dawned on me...as the thoughts swirled full circle...

God called me HERE.
God HAS answered my prayers for community and belonging.
Women are extending the hand of friendship to ME, despite my own hesitation.
I cannot keep trying to make the old things...the old people...work in my hands. They're taking up too much space.
I should...I have to...let go of the old that no longer serves their purpose in growing me. I have to let go of the old that I am no longer able to serve in helping grow.

I have to let go...so that I can make room in my heart and hands for the new that God continues to bring my way.
I have to empty my full hands.
I have to be vulnerable to exposing bare hands HERE.
I have to trust God to fill them with worthy friends...HERE.

I have to stop clutching the old with tight fists.
I have to let go of the old...so I can open my hands to the new.

Until Next Time,

~Mama Jenn

P.S.- If the people I'm mentioning still read my blog, please understand...I don't say any of this out of a place of bitterness or anger that our friendship has run its course. I hope y'all hold no bitterness or anger with me. I wish y'all the best as we grow in separate directions <3