Today marks two years since I've stopped actively going to church.
When the pandemic hit, it was so easy to not go. We couldn't. The church we attended did live broadcasts on social media because we had a very large at-risk population in our congregation. We watched...religiously(pun intended) the first few weeks. But as we started to realize no one was holding us accountable, we watched less and less.
My (now ex) husband tried to fill the void with politics by forcing us to watch a non-profit college series on history and politics. It was Judeo-Christian based, so in his mind, it was almost the same. We watched that for a few more weeks before that, too, stopped. When the kids and I were falling asleep at both, my spouse called us names saying we weren't taking politics or our Christian heritage as seriously as he did.
When the 'Rona hit most of our house, 3 out of 5 of us had it. I was the one who seemed to get hit the worst. I was in bed for the majority of a month with 'Rona and 4 other sicknesses. As with my relationship with my spouse, I also did a lot of thinking about my relationship with fellow Christians, with The Church, with God(or what I perceived God as).
I came out of that time realizing that life is just too short. I spent a month...a MONTH...in bed. Not one person from any church stopped by, dropped off food, or even sent me a message to encourage me in my faith journey. My spouse barely acknowledged me as a human being, because why should he? I wasn't doing anything close to what a Godly, submissive wife should be doing because I could hardly move. So, I wasn't of value to him. In turn, I wasn't worthy of attention or affection.
As I do in these seasons of shifting within myself, I went radical. Once I got out of bed(and it was safe to be around humans again), I marched myself down to the nearest Catholic Church. I soaked up the knowledge, I clung to the beliefs. I stood when I needed to, knelt when I was told to. I had a rosary within arm's reach at all times. I kept the leading voices of Catholic faith on in the background of any quiet(or as my divorce neared, uncomfortable) space. I converted the following Easter. You couldn't tell me different. Here, finally, I had a church where I belonged....
Just like the Mennonite Church...
Just like the Church we attended for most of our time in Idaho....
Just like the Church we attended for so many years back home....
Just like the(fill in the denomination, we've been to more than I count on fingers and toes) church...
Wait.
As the divorce became more and more a very real thing, and the effects of staying in a marriage that mentally/emotionally damaged not only myself but my children started to rear their ugly heads, I pondered more of why I always shifted Churches in new seasons.
Jesus is the way and the truth and the life, but...why do so many churches interpret that differently?
Why do most churches only cling to certain parts of Scripture?
Why do so many churches use the Bible as a weapon to exclude or cast stones(you know, the thing Jesus literally said to NOT do) on people who sin differently than they do?
Why are some of the "best" leaders in the faith the ones with the biggest secrets and doing the more horrendous of sins?
Why do so many churches cover up sin(especially the illegal kind) within congregations while at the same time preaching they are "the true church"? Why do they think their leaders are excluded from the law?
Why does it feel like the church and American politics are so closely tied and WHY are they so closely tied?!
....and don't get me started on the countless other things I forced myself to believe in order to stay married and "give a good Christian witness" to the world(that's another post for another day!).
As the divorce finalized, I took several steps back and eventually backspaced myself right out of churches altogether.
Did I need church to make me who I really am? Me, at my core?
Am I really as awful as churches make the human race to be? ESPECIALLY as a woman?
Did I need to read and re-read the Bible SO MUCH?
Why did I exclude people from my life who did nothing but love me as I am, but yet cling to people that told me I always needed to be striving for a goal that none of us were able to attain this side of Heaven? That were always quick to remind me how wretched I am, they are, we are but never completely being comfortable just being or loving ourselves as we are???
I haven't been to a church of any kind in almost a year. The last time I went, I felt extremely uncomfortable, bored, and like a big hypocrite. Not exactly the way I perceived I should feel walking into what's supposed to be a sanctuary for weary souls in need of Jesus.
I have tried picking up the Bible several times in this year. Each time I do, I roll my eyes or finish the story with little enthusiasm. I no longer post Scripture on social media anymore because it feels very wrong to do so. Because...I'm not entirely sure I believe it(or its power) anymore.
I started following(on social media) Christians who have had to re-evaluate their relationship with the Church. I don't know how long it takes to go back, but some of them have gone back to a different and what most American Christians would consider "wrong" church. One that doesn't have close ties to a political organization, or exclude anyone based on how they're "sinning" or dare I say...doesn't consider what they're doing as consenting adults as "sin".
I am happy for them, but again...I don't know how long it took them to get to that place. I'm sure each of them have different time frames.
I just know...I'm not there yet. I'm not sure if(or when, if ever) I will be.
I just know in this season...church doesn't feel very belonging. Church doesn't feel like a second home.
And if I'm being honest with myself...I'm not entirely sure it ever did.
Maybe it was me who made those around me feel comfortable. Maybe it was me who made people feel like they could belong. Maybe it was me who made every space I entered feel like a second home.
And I just brought those feelings, acceptance, etc. to each church I entered. And when people within the Church(especially those not comfortable with themselves) wanted to stifle that feeling or conform that part of me to be who they thought I should be....I left.
Maybe who and what I bring to the world can't be confined to the walls of the Church. Any Church.
I'm not sure yet.
All I know is...I don't miss Church.
I don't miss not being able to bring my whole self into a building.
Until I find one that I can bring my whole self into...I don't think I'm going.
And for the first time in my life...I feel 1000% okay with that.
No guilt, no shame, and no judgement.
