Running on "E"

 I went to court for my divorce last week. I drove a total of 90 minutes for a 5-minute court hearing. 

"You need to fill out these two forms and then I can sign off on the divorce," the judge said. 

"Yes, your honor, " I said. 

"Court adjourned."

I sat there, fuming and wondering why the courthouse couldn't just send that in a letter. 

I drove home, and because it was a 45-minute drive with spotty radio reception, my mind decided time to unleash some feelings! 

Two more papers...then that's it. 

Almost eight years of marriage and all to undo it are maybe 10 pages and two hundred-ish dollars. 

Why couldn't he just be the man I needed him to be?

No,no,no,no......Tears start to form, and I wipe them away. Finally, the radio comes back on, so I crank it up and scream-sing the rest of the way home. 

Just when I think the thoughts have escaped my mind, I get a text message. 

"Did you get the divorce decree yet?" 

"No"

"I need it for my RV insurance"

"???" 

"Because of the car accident. MY name was still on the policy when it happened, they need proof of our divorce." 

"I have to fill out 2 more pages and the judge said he'd sign off on it."

"When??" 

"I don't know...you know, you could call the courthouse and ask them yourself(?)" 

"Ok"

I see him on Easter, due to my youngest being in a singing part of the Easter service and me wanting to go. He doesn't greet me, but instead bolts out to his car, mumbling something about the church serving breakfast and we'd better hurry as he flies past. I feel guilty for coming and making him feel anxious. I assume he's going outside to smoke, but of course, he never sits close enough for me to tell. As soon as service is over, he gets up like he has hot coals in his pants and again bolts somewhere else. 

I talked about my last blog post with my therapist. About how I keep busy. 

"Maybe you should schedule yourself some time to...feel things, Jenn."

"Because I have time(?)" I say sarcastically. 

She looks at me and says simply, "Try making time. 10 Minutes this week." 

I don't have time! I think, but don't say. 

She also mentions how healthy relationships build a "house", and how most people(myself included) don't put the proper foundation and skip steps in the building process and that's why couples come to therapy. Because their foundation(or some other layer of their "House") is shaky. She sends me home with another photocopy to look at and think over. 

I manage to get fired for the first time, ever in my life. It's not my primary job, but my second job. This brings "the time to feel things", as my face gets hot and I cry for several hours. I also emotionally eat my weight in low-carb peanut butter ice cream and Easter egg Reeses, while watching Gilmore Girls for several hours. 

It's like getting a slap in the face from someone beneath you. Except it's your ex and a job you almost destroyed your body for. 

Over the course of 2 days, I get two separate guys messaging me, saying they'd like to possibly date me. Then skip over the formalities and go straight to asking nothing but sexual questions. 

Thanks, but NO THANKS. 

Just to amuse myself, I meet one of them for coffee. I'm the only one who buys(and pays for) coffee. 

He comes straight from work. Not laborious work. I ask him twice if he'd like to meet a little later to go home first, but he declines. 

Okay...

First thing I notice- his odor. I know everyone has a scent, but it wasn't one I'd exactly like. 

The second thing I notice-he looks sloppy. 

He looks self-conscious at first, so I put my customer service attitude on. It's awkward. The lulls in the conversation feel uncomfortable. Most of his questions are of sexual nature. When I try to steer the conversation to normal basic questions like "What's your favorite movie?", etc., he answers them but rarely asks mine. We have very little in common. He keeps asking if he can kiss me and I decline. I sip my cold brew coffee when trying to tactfully think of ways to steer the conversation to things that don't involve me being naked. 

We get ready to go our separate ways, I say I'll give him a hug. We hug, it's even more awkward. I get in my car and look down...and on my black sweater is half a pound of dandruff. A half a pound of DANDRUFF. THAT ISN'T MINE. I step back out of the car and shake myself, disgusted. He tries messaging me a few hours later, but I keep my responses one-sided and as short as possible, hoping he gets the hint. 

Guy #2 messages me again. I keep saying let's meet face-to-face and he keeps telling me days he can't when I keep telling him days that work for me. He repeats he wants to meet on all of the days I mentioned. I sigh in frustration, as I contemplate blocking him. 

Christmas time ex-lover messages me. He says he noticed me when I went to my old job today, and I looked nice. Wondered what the special occasion was. I tell him I met someone for coffee and went to get some groceries. He doesn't probe. He's being an okay friend at this point. 

I go to one of the owners at my old job(not the one I got fired from, the one I left with proper notice and much sadness from both the owners and me). He asks me how both jobs are. I explain to him I got fired from the second one. He asks me if I want to come back, I say a little too dryly, "Do you actually WANT me back?". He looks at me almost hurt. "Of course, we'd like you back...no one did that job better than you." I apologize, saying I didn't think they were still accepting more people, based on how many were on the schedule. He brushes it off saying it's still not enough and to talk to his wife, but he's certain they'd take me back in a heartbeat. I tell him I'll think it over. 

This week was beyond emotionally draining. I feel like my emotional tank is running on fumes, but I have no idea what to do in order to fill it back up. 

My therapist didn't prepare me for this part. 

(Don't) Turn Around, Darling

 At this week's therapy session, my therapist tried to give me some exercises to access what she calls my "wise mind", trying to see which one I would be most comfortable trying. During one exercise, I put out a question to(in my case) God and did my best to quiet my mind and focus in hopes of hearing an answer. 

"Think of a question," she said. 

I did, and the answer came quicker than I expected. 

"When you're ready, open your eyes...and let's discuss," 

I opened my eyes and blinked back tears. 

Not phased by my tears(at this point, I think my crying is a given at every session), she asked me, "What did you ask, and what was the response?" 

"I...I asked why I always expect more." 

"And? What did you hear?" 

"I heard because I deserve more than what I'm getting," I replied. 

"That's powerful." 

I cried some more. 

As I sit here, caffeinated and alone with my thoughts, I think back to what the past two people I've shared my heart(and body) with have said to me. 

"I don't deserve you." 

"You deserve so much more." 

And my initial thought is, 'Oh, they're just being humble.'. 

Looking back, however, tells me otherwise. 

Over the past two weeks, my mind has gone back to the past. Especially when having a particularly hard day at work and I feel like I'm failing. Their words and better actions echo in my brain. 

Was what my husband did *soo* terrible? I mean, I had it pretty cushy as a homemaker. Was taking a stand really worth losing that?

Should I have just taken my last lover up on his offer? Was only seeing him when he wanted so awful, as long as I was being seen at all? 

Is getting the crumbs better than starving? 

Why the hell am I okay with crumbs?!?

I put myself on a dating app, then, upon seeing the guys I should want, felt unworthy of, not ready for.... got frustrated at myself and ended up deleting the entire account. And feeling guilty for even trying so early. Again. 

I'm not "there" yet. 

I looked at their pictures of them traveling, eating, exploring, doing. Some of them have kids and can still do things. I sit here and...don't. I haven't traveled, I have done my fair share of eating(just not in any place that doesn't have a drive-thru), I have explored nothing and I haven't done...much. 

I've wanted to, but I always thought these things should be shared with someone...someone you love. And I spent almost 8 years begging my husband to do something, anything beyond sitting at home and watching movies or going out to eat and going to the movie theater with me. I then spent almost four months trying to get my recent guy of interest to do basic things with me, only to be met with his crippling anxiety and being made to feel guilty for wanting to enjoy anything outside his comfort zone. 

Now I'm at a place where money isn't entirely an issue(Thank God). I could do some things...

But a part of me just keeps hoping one of them would have been "that guy". The guy who said, "I see your heart and you deserve so much more, so I'm going to rise to the occasion." It's like holding my breath, waiting and hoping one of them will see and go, "You can breathe now, because we can do this, together," only for that moment to never come. 

I guess...I had hoped I'd find a guy where I'm at now. Like me. On the cusp of seeing there's more to life, that has goals and dreams and is ready to start them, but was just waiting for someone like me to start them with. 

Wait.

Isn't that what I ran away from? Two men who had a dream or two but no actual urge to do them, then they met me and thought I'd be the motivation they needed to get shit done? Only to realize I'm NOT Jesus, I can't make anyone do anything or motivate anyone to be something they don't-or can't-be on their own? 

Shit. 

And why...WHY...do I keep this notion? THat my life can't truly "begin" until I have someone to share it with? Why do I keep putting my goals on hold...small stuff, like running a 5K...because I'm afraid I'll have to do it alone? And that'll look...weird? Why are these thoughts inside my head? 

Another thing--why am I so busy? Both past lovers said this to me, but one in praise and the other in exhaustion trying to keep up with me. 

Busy was a coping mechanism when I was married. I could lay in bed and be sad my husband wasn't having sex with me, or I could use that energy to scrub a toilet! I could yell at him(and nothing be accomplished), or I could go to the gym and work out until I was too tired to care! 

I could notice the guy I was with had mental health struggles, or I could cook a week's worth of food! I could accept he wasn't the guy for me, or I could scrub the kitchen until it was hospital-level clean! 

My husband LOVED me being busy because it took the pressure off of him to face his own struggles within our marriage. If I'm too busy to talk(or nag, according to him), then everything is fine! Until it's not and I'm crying hysterically, while curled up in the fetal position in bed and eating chocolates and telling him I can't accept this! 

My last boyfriend HATED me being busy because I couldn't drop everything when he needed me to. Even when I gave him set times to meet that would be reasonable, those weren't good enough! It had to be on HIS time, not something that would work for both of us, heaven forbid! Then when I had time to take a breather and say, hey, let's work on making this aspect of us healthy...he was overwhelmed and didn't have time! Why am I springing this at such a bad time! He's busy! He has a lot going on! 

So, I cleaned, cooked, worked out, and put myself in literally anything I could to avoid the truth--neither guy deserved me. 

Neither guy thought I was worth being better for. 

A (large) part of me says, "Hey, that's just too fucking bad! Their loss! That is THEIR issue, that's THEIR struggles, not mine!", another part of me says..."Ouch. Damn. As much of my time and energy as I gave them...and they couldn't even try? I mean, REALLY try? Didn't they see how much I put into them? Into their happiness?" 

Why do I keep turning around? Why do I keep looking back, thinking maybe if I did or said one more thing, the lightbulb in their heads would go on and they'd outwardly say, "Yes! I'm going to be the man YOU need!" 

...And when will I be okay with my own company?