Intrusive Thoughts

I ended what could only be considered as a yearlong situationship. 

I then went on a...date(?) with a man that was clearly out of my league. 

I had intended to cancel the date(?), but he had already paid for tickets to a concert and I felt guilty.  

Bottom line- I know I shouldn't be trying to get back into a relationship, or situationship, or even putting myself out there for possibility. 

When the guy I had the situationship and I had a heart to heart, we realized....neither of us should be looking for love. Even in the context of a situationship. We both had too much going on mentally that we have allowed to go unchecked and we brought the worst parts of that out in each other. So, we needed to part ways. 

After the disaster of a date(?), it was more solidified in my mind than ever....I am not, nor was I ready, to try again. 

As I sit here, knowing this is needed...intrusive thoughts that have been put in the basement of my mind resurface. 

I am working on healing my relationship with my children. 

But what if too much damage has been done? What if it's too late? 

I am going to start working on healing myself. Because I deserve to be the best me for...me. 

But what if this IS the best me? What if I had hyped myself up thinking a better me was there but this is as good as it gets? 

I need to figure out what traumas/issues I have so that I don't continue to accept men that don't meet my standards. 

But what if I'm single forever as a result? What if I never found a man that meets my standards? 

I need to work on my body. Not just to lose weight(because I have discovered I can), but to actually have healthy habits. To treat my body in a healthy way, and love it every step of the way, even if it doesn't look the way society expects it to. 

But what if I'm meant to die young as a result of bad eating habits? My genetics don't exactly scream longevity. Should I just eat cake and not try to tempt fate? 

I know, I know....I need therapy. Again. I started going at the start of the divorce proceedings, and stopped when my therapist decided to do her own practice(and not tell me where she went). I'm debating on how to re-approach therapy in light of my current schedule/finances. 

I keep telling myself, even if the intrusive thoughts are true...wouldn't it be better to at least try and say I tried? Not everything is meant to turn out as "happily ever after". But that doesn't mean I shouldn't put my best foot forward and give it a try...right? 

It just...makes me sad that they're there. I have pushed them off for so long. And now I have no choice but to acknowledge they reside in my brain. They take up space. They're no longer in a box in the basement of my brain as I scramble around trying to go from one laughable drama to the next. They are smack dab in the center of my living room floor(of my brain). Box open for me to see. With no man taking up space in my heart or brain, I have no choice but to continually go past the box, look at it, try to close it, but realize....it needs to be there. For now. 

As sick as it sounds, it IS a part of my healing journey. It is a part of myself I hate to acknowledge, but now have no choice BUT to acknowledge. 

I have intrusive thoughts. Horrible, depressing, intrusive thoughts. 

The box is open, and as ugly as it is, I have to unpack it. 

I have to.

...I....have...to.