Housewife 101: Meal Prep 101

Greetings, Chaotics!
Food has been on my mind lately. Okay, a lot lately.
Okay...if I'm being totally honest, it's always on my mind in some way.
Hey, I'm a fat girl, what can I say?
Over the course of my years on Facebook, many people have commented(some politely, some rudely) how my food posts have made them hungry, they wanted to know how I cooked XYZ, etc.
And I kept thinking...why is that? I mean, I'm no food photographer, so my photography skills are not the reasoning. My recipes are not something that takes crazy kitchen equipment or food items that take a doctorate to conjure up. So what gives?
The only two things I could come up with are-
1. Y'all don't know how to cook(or, y'all don't want to cook).
2. Y'all don't have/make time to cook.
And when I have posted recipes, y'all have said one of the two(or worse...both) in your own way.
"Oh, my mom/dad/crazy grandmother that got high off the fumes in a cookbook never taught me."
"My (insert guardian's title here) couldn't cook, neither can I!"
"Oh, I can't boil water without burning it!"
"But that looks complicated. Why bother with all THAT when I could just buy it in a box/can/*insert fast food place here*? "
"Are you kidding me? Ain't nobody got time fo' all 'dat! I'm raising X amount of kids and I have zero time to make a "real" meal from "scratch"!"
And I'm not saying all these after graduating from Martha Stewart University with a major in Paula Deen and a minor in Rachel Ray!

But it would be seriously cool if I did. Just sayin'. 

I'm saying this all from where YOU are at.
 I didn't know how to cook! I wasn't born a little chef! My mother considered making scrambled eggs "real cooking" and anything else was either a TV dinner, or a "helper", or cereal. My father knew how to cook a few things, but as he started to get older, he, too, resorted to convenience foods and pre-packed/frozen/boxed stuff.
I was a single mom, with two kids, who considered Hamburger/Chicken/Tuna Helper to be "cooking from scratch. And ordered pizza/Chinese at least once a week whenever we got sick of all the "helpers". And ate cereal when we got sick of those.
It wasn't until my third child that I realized...hey, eating the way we are with TWO kids is expensive! And I just added another one! 
We were living off welfare and food stamps here, people! Even with the amount they gave us, I could not make ends meet while ordering out/eating convenience foods all the time!
So, around the same time I felt convicted to be more conservative, I also felt more convicted to start cooking "real" food.
What are some things I learned? Let me tell you-
1. MAKE TIME
I can have the best recipe for homemade pizza in the world...but won't know it if I'm so rushed, I don't have time to make it and resort to opting for take out or a pizza from the freezer section instead because I forgot about it until the last minute. If you're going to make the transition from getting take out/prepackaged foods all the time, make sure to make time for it. I'm also adding to make more time than what the recipe says, in the event you're a new cook. The time frame given is not always the time it actually takes. Some recipes assume you know what you're doing, others may cook longer or shorter depending on your stove/oven/altitude. Give yourself enough time to not feel rushed.
2. GET READY TO PAY MORE...AT FIRST

I know this sounds weird, but one of the things I noticed when I first started was how much more expensive in the beginning cooking myself was. This was largely due to not having most of the spices,etc. not already in my cupboards, and not knowing how to plan meals,etc. according to sale cycles/coupons. You may be used to eating Ramen Noodles for dinner for $1, but as you go to shop for, say, a real chicken dinner, you may find yourself forking out more and get discouraged. Don't. Trust me when I say that with time and experience, it will become easier(and as a result, cheaper).

If you're asking yourself this...it may be time to learn how to cook.  And coupon. 

3. IF YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT...GOOGLE IT OR DO WITHOUT
If you are a complete nobody in the kitchen as I was when first starting out, seeing a piece of paper with 7 sets of directions and 15 items to obtain may overwhelm you as it did me. I'd buy the 15 items only to realize I couldn't "read" the recipe. What the heck is a julienne cut? How do I saute' something? What the hello kitty is a steaming rack...is that when my boobs are sweating, while I slave over the stove? This is why I stress you READ the recipe ENTIRELY before going out and buying all the ingredients. That will give you plenty of time to decide if it's actually worth trying, you can google(and check YouTube) on anything they tell you to do with said food items, and can buy all that's needed without starting halfway through before realizing you're missing two ingredients. Also, if you're using a recipe for something ethnically-related, and you have no idea what one of the items are, you can look it up online to see what it looks like so you know what to look for.
However, I'd also like to stress starting small. If you can't understand half the recipe, or are having a hard time finding multiple ingredients for said recipe, then it may be too much to try at the moment. Try finding another recipe that is written in a way you can understand, or with ingredients that you know where to obtain.
4. MAKE SURE YOU HAVE ALL THAT YOU NEED
This somewhat goes with #3. I have already stressed reading the recipe in its entirety, beforehand to ensure you have all the ingredients. But what if you were like me, who cooked with her microwave, and you have no pots and pans? Or steamer? Or Crock Pot? And the only knife you have is a butter knife? What do you do then?
My suggestion to you would be to get all these things used, especially if you are new to cooking. You may be drooling over a $250 pot and pan set, a knife set from Japan, and a crock pot dipped in gold and outlined in silver...but let me tell you, honey, it will all go to waste if you're new. You are at some point going to burn something(s) that you don't even want to bother trying to scrub off. You're going to light these suckers on fire, they might soak up that ONE recipe that reeked your place for days, they're going to get stains that may take forever and a day to get off, they're going to get scratches, they're probably going to get dented in some way. For a newbie, one of the biggest money-wasters for me was buying a brand new pan and pot set...TWICE...before I realized it'd just be cheaper to buy it as I needed from a secondhand store. You may turn up your nose at buying secondhand cookware, but trust me on this, it's going to be a lot easier to throw that burnt $1 pot containing oatmeal that will not wash off than that $50 designer pot you got because a celebrity chef made it with tears from Santa's Elves.

Do we really *need* a $70 Hello Kitty microwave? Uhm, yes! I mean, no. I mean...maybe(?)

5. SET THE RIGHT ENVIRONMENT
This may come across as silly. Set the right environment? What the heck does THAT mean? Am I supposed to seduce my rice with Barry White music while caressing my chicken in satin sheets or something?
No. Unless you're into that sort of thing...in which case, be my guest.

*Cough* FREAK *Cough*

What I meant by this was make sure you're kitchen and your mind are ready to cook. You can set aside the given time for a recipe, but if you're sink is filled to counter tops with dirty dishes, you'll find it take longer to cook as you have to search for that *one* pot you need to cook with, wash it and dry it...only to realize your measuring cup is dirty,too...only to find out your favorite spatula is in that mess as well...see what I'm saying? You'll be reaching for the speed dial to a take-out place faster than you knew how.
I'm not saying deep clean your kitchen and make it "company is coming over!"-clean. Just make sure your kitchen is USABLE. Is there at least ONE clean counter you could use as surface space? What cooking utensils, pot/pan(s) do you need-are they clean? Is your stove top covered with tomato sauce from last night's exploding sauce fiasco?
While I'm at it, I'd like to add...make sure you're in the right mind to cook. This may come off as a little old-fashioned, but its true. You're more likely to enjoy the process if you turn on some of your favorite tunes and JUST focus on the actual cooking. If you're constantly uploading pictures of the process on your Instagram, while checking your Facebook feed, while thinking about your cats ex-boyfriend's YouTube page...things can go south pretty quickly. Try not to get distracted.

"But I just went on Facebook for a MINUTE!" 

Oh, and be comfortable! Even if you are a transdecadian(hey, if you can be multiple genders, then I can be multiple decades in my head) housewife as I think myself to be, you really don't have to rock heels, pearls, and makeup in order to be prepared to cook.

Unless, you know, your husband likes that sort of thing. *wink*

If you just came home from work(and that sort of attire is required), then go change into something more comfortable before starting. Make sure to wear something you don't mind getting dirty/wet. Even if you wear an apron over your clothing, there's still a chance things might get messy and your clothes might take a hit. Make sure whatever you're wearing is something you're not too worried if it gets a stain or two here or there..or you might have to risk throwing away.
6. CLEAN UP AS YOU GO

Seriously, just do it.

This is one of those things no one really tells you. Or maybe you guys had families that already knew this, and I'm the odd one out. I know the process of cooking from start to finish, especially if you're a newbie is DAUNTING. But it's going to be even more daunting if you cook this amazing meal...and have 50 items to clean and put away afterwards. So, as soon as you're done with that measuring cup/ spoon, spatula, bag of Barry White seduced rice, or whatever it may be, put it back where it belongs. Even if that means the sink to wash...eventually. As you become more comfortable with cooking, you'll figure out how long a pot of water can sit on the stove without you loving staring into its bubbles, and can eventually start wiping down a counter here and rinsing off a measuring cup there to make the process easier and less of a chore once your done.

7. DON'T FORGET TO TURN OFF EVERYTHING!
This may sound stupid, and yes, I put this last as sort of a chuckle. But when you're used to NOT cooking or cooking out of a microwave, you may sort of go on auto-pilot and forget that, unlike a microwave AN OVEN WILL NOT TURN ITSELF OFF ONCE YOU OPEN IT UP. Same goes for a stove. And a blender. And a hand held mixer.
Please remember to turn off any electrical appliances as you are done using them! Maybe my idiotenese is showing here, but yes, I was the dummy that often forgot to turn off the oven/crock pot(before I discovered crock pots that turn themselves off, anyways...seriously, the people that make kitchen appliances know me)/stove/mixer/ blender before eating or after using it.
Lemme tell ya....forgetting to turn off  things can make a memorable mess in the kitchen. And can result in burned things, like hands/arms.
Seriously, don't be that me. You will regret it.

"Hmm...house is abnormally toasty today...wonder why...*shrugs*"

Until Next Time, Chaotics!
~ Mama Jenn

Homesteading Adventures& Misadventures, Part 1: Gardening

If you've been here before- Welcome back!
If this is your first time here- Howdy, and WELCOME to the chaos!

*Everyone shake hands!*

Okay, now that we've got greetings out of the way, I thought I'd tell y'all about my latest adventure....
GARDENING!!
Now, I know it's August, and *technically* I'm a little late with this, but better late than never, right?
...right?
....Maybe..?
Okay, maybe not.
Soooo...back in June, after the move, I youtube'd what I needed to do, attempted to go to the store, get some seeds, planters, and starter soil, and the kids and I attempted our first baby steps in gardening!
After we had everything assembled the way the video said, the next thing was to give them a "mini green house" by watering them, placing them every night, in the (cold) oven, and take them back out the next morning. The person on the video stressed at least twice(I think. It may have been more. I only viewed the video once, okay? I thought I had this down to a science) that you MUST make sure the oven is cold(not on, not warm from the day's baking,etc.) and you MUST remember to take them back out first thing in the morning so they can get the sunlight they need.
This is where the stupid in me comes.
I forgot to take them out of the oven the next morning. Even though all the kids reminded me.
I left them in the oven all morning. And completely forgot about them. Then lunch time came around, and hey, did I mention how much I loved my oven up until this day? It has a glass top, its all sparkly and new, and...it has a glass top! Those things are SOO much easier to clean than the fire/coil tops! Just saying.
An-y-ways...lunch time rolled around, and I thought, hey, it'd be awesome if we had some chicken tenders! We haven't had those in awhile! Plus, it's not too labor intensive...go me!
So, I turned on the oven, and...oh, another cool thing about this new and sparkly oven...it tells you when it's ready. Like, it will actually beep when its at the temperature you set. Not like a "was that a bird chirping Songs of Solomon?!" beautiful beep, but the "hey, it could be the oven, or it might be the smoke alarm doing the song of its people...but you won't know until you check the kitchen!!" beep. Yeah. Scares the crap out of me every time.
Sorry, where was I? Oh, yeah. So, I was waiting for the oven to do the "false smoke alarm" beep, and started cleaning something. After a few minutes, I started to smell something odd. Thinking I had sniffed one too many cleaning products, I stopped cleaning and sat down. But the smell wouldn't go away. After using bloodhound style sniffing abilities, I pinpointed the smell in the kitchen.
"Must be the oven..." I thought, "Maybe we're finally breaking it in, and it's not going to look so shiny after this or something."
"Maybe it's because we haven't set the temp this high...ever?(Never understood why almost everything "convenient" has to be cooked with an oven temp that makes you think you have a part of the sun in your kitchen)"
"Did I put the baking sheet by itself in there, by accident?"
"Maybe I should take a peek...maybe there's a forgotten casserole, or a wasp, or something, dying in there."
"OHMYGAWSH!!! MY PLANTERS!!!"
I quickly attempted to grab my planters and yank them out of the smoldering furnace...I mean, oven. Only to realize I wasn't wearing oven mitts.
Opps.
If you think the smell of burning plastic wasn't enough...try the wonderful earthy smell of HOT STARTER SOIL, conveniently scattered ALL OVER YOUR OVEN!! If that's not enough, we'll even throw in the chance to scrub melting plastic out of your oven, courtesy of your lack of brain cells!
*Everyone claps like its a game show*
*FACEPALM*
My seeds...my precious, precious seeds...my planters, my awesome and totally earth-friendly planters...and my soil, my vitamin-full, loose and super-absorbent soil...gone. Covering my too-hot oven. Bearing its soul over my kitchen floor.

Okay, the dirt was WAY scattered than this. I just swept it up.

Gone.
Well...maybe all was not lost. The planters were semi-salvageable(just not the parts that retained the water for them). I didn't plant all the seeds, because I didn't have enough planters, so I still had a few of each vegetable. So..all wasn't completely loss, right?

Actually, yes...yes it was.

The (remaining) dirt and seeds of great potential...now burnt to a crisp.

The bottoms. Curled up in fetal position.

I attempted to try again, with what I had. This time, I didn't go anywhere near the oven with these babies!!
The kids and I replanted. I watered daily. After about two weeks, shoots started coming out.
"I don't suck at this!!" I thought.
But...then the shoots got bigger.
"You might want to take them outside now, honey." Papa Bear said.
"Okay!!" I said.
Transplanting vegetables. Easy-peasy.
...Right?
Nope.
First off, I forgot...I had nothing cute and small to dig with. I had forgot to buy one of those small garden shovels! So, to improvise, I used Papa's huge "this could bury people...if we were those sort of people" shovel. I tried to dig semi-small holes.


Okay, here is the shovel in question. Tiny Bear wanted to try and dig a hole.

 Which, didn't turn out so semi-small.But more like "there could be body parts in these holes!" holes.
But, I put them in the ground! That's all that mattered! And I did my best to gently cover them up, saturate the ground, and did a "Holy Udder Chaos, it's hot outside, no wonder I stay in the house, please tell me I'll have to do this everyday!!" rain dance.



One of the tomato plants. Before...summer violated it.

I'm sure my ancestors would have been proud.
...and, by proud, I mean, they probably would have slapped me upside my head. With the "we could bury people with this shovel"...shovel.
The next day, I took a peek out.
Only to find each and every plant....
Not looking all tall and big like they had appeared in my house the day before.
But like sad, lifeless dead plants, laying by the wayside of what looked like a crime scene investigation.
I mean, my garden area.
I talked to them, sang to them a little(hey, it helped Semore, and look what happened to HIS plant--it started talking!!!), and ordered the kids to find ever bit of gray water we had in the house, and dump it on the plants, STAT!
But, it was too late. The damage was done. They.were.dead.
"Maybe the heat was too much of a shock to them," Papa Bear suggested.
"Bite me." I said(okay, I didn't really say this,out loud anyways. I just thought it, in my head. I actually think I sobbed or something).
But you know what? They were my plants. And if dogs and cats can take after their owners, surely plants can, too, right?
And if that's the case...I don't blame them. I'd probably die out there, too. Summer and me...let's just say, I often hope Karma gets Summer with a dirty spork for all those days of boob sweat and making me look like burnt toast.
And now, my plants.
*shakes fist angrily at Summer*
BUT, although it would seem I don't have a green thumb, I am not giving up so easily!
Summer may be the peak time to grow produce, but its not the *only* time.
In fact, Fall's right around the corner. Although I can't grow as much, I can still grow some things.


My fall seeds, from a non-GMO, almost organic company

And grow I shall....attempt!



See? Even the company I bought the seeds from knows my struggle, and is wishing me luck!
(Okay, they really had no clue. But this was an awful nice gesture for a seed company, don't you think?)

Direct soil, this time...lesson learned!
Mixing some fertilizer in the soil...before I put seeds in!
Summer and I may not be on good terms, but Fall...we're cool!
And heck, I may even get some chickens before it gets too cold...just because!
Or even a goat!
(...if Papa Bear gives me thumbs up, of course!)
We're gonna homestead in the fall, and its going to AWESOME!!!
...I HOPE!!!
......How about I update you in a bit?

Until Next Time,
Mama Jenn
P.S.
Here is the list of vegetables I'm hoping will grow this fall/winter-
Green Beans
Broccoli(two kinds, because I *REALLY* love broccoli!)
Cabbage(anyone have a good recipe for these? I'm not a huge fan of sauerkraut)
Cauliflower
Carrots
Collard Greens
Kale
Lettuce(oh, how I have missed you!!)
Radish
Pumpkin
Endive
P.P.S.
If you're growing something this fall, or you want to brag about you're summer harvest, I'd LOVE to hear about it! :)