June 4th, 2018
This morning's realization:
If I make time for my husband, he'll make time for himself(self-care). If a husband makes time for himself, he'll be a better everything(husband, dad, worker, etc.)
For the past two years, my husband, God bless him, has been placed on the back burner as I have tried to "fix" two kids I didn't break. I have them normal motherly love(which they weren't used to). I gave them structure and routines so they could feel some sense of control over their usually uncontrollable lives. I listened to them and tried to make their concerns and worries my top priority. They had been through a lot- they needed me.
But...this was all at the expense of everyone else. My husband's priorities were the first to go.
The little things I did for him...were suddenly too much on top of my maxed out to-do list. These kids needed a LOT of care, and the things I once found joy in doing for my husband suddenly became burdensome and robbed me of precious time ensuring the stepkids never-ending list of needs were met.
I remember the weeks it started. My husband is a very easy to please man- I hardly see him(due to his job), so the two things I always did to show him my love is-
1. Pack his meals for the week
2. Do his laundry/pack his duffle bag for the week.
I'd even send him a note in one or the other just to remind him I love him or a Bible verse of encouragement for the week ahead. Nothing major.
He never forced me to do it or asked- I just started doing these things because I wanted to. It made his time go a little more smoothly and it made him happier.
As time with my stepkids progressed, these things slowly went to the wayside. The man who would give me a goofy grin as he leaned into to give me a longer than usual kiss and remind me "he could have done it"(but I woke up earlier and beat him to it) was now waking up grumpy and with a ticking time bomb on his mind, as he methodically threw whatever food in the fridge he perceived to be his in his cooler. Once that was done, he'd grumble his way to the washing machine at the last minute because he forgot to do his laundry on his assigned day...then, in a hurry, grab whatever was dry enough out of the dryer, stuff it in his duffle bag, barely graze my lips(if I was awake and at the door to see him off, which happened less and less) and scramble out the door.
I knew I was neglecting him and his simple needs, but I was maxed out serving two unyielding and overwhelming children instead of my husband. Surely, my husband was a "big boy" and could handle these tasks himself...right?
I did his laundry today and I swear, he nearly fainted with shock. "But...but...it's not my laundry day!" he stammered out.
"I know," I said. But I want to do it."
Later that day, as I was furiously cleaning out my son's room and singing along to the pop music of my youth(don't judge me), he stopped playing on the Xbox, came in, and sheepishly asked me if I needed help.
Now it was my turn to nearly faint with shock!
I forgot this was how our marriage used to be...before we took full responsibility of the stepkids. I told him what I intended to do. Within minutes and despite having lingering back pain all weekend, he got his tools out and did what I thought wouldn't get done in weeks. My youngest was called in and we both helped-within a half hour we were all sweaty, but the task was done.
Later that night, he got off the Xbox again and asked me if we could play a board or card game. We played several rounds of dominoes with my youngest(she was the only one home this week). We then watched a family safe show and climbed into bed.
I felt warm and snuggly for the first time in a long time.
This morning, I heard his alarm go off. He started his tasks, but then I realized he hadn't showered. "Don't have time now," he grunted. He started to have a bad go of putting his vitamins in his pill box, spilling them everywhere.
"How about this," I said. "I'll make your meal bag and I'll put in your weekly vitamins, so you can shower before you head to work."
"Pain in my butt..." he goofy grin mumbled as he hopped in the shower."
He left the house practically floating away. Something tells me he's going to have a good work week *Wink*
I feel...I can't describe it fully. But I feel like the world is slowly righting itself again. I'm making my husband a top priority again; he's no longer on the back burner because I'm (slowly) starting to feel like my life isn't a stovetop anymore.
It's small and stupid to some, but...this was my world before the stepkids came. Seeing the look on my husband's face as I did these things reminded me of why I originally chose to do them.
And why I am restarting them again.
I really can't wait for the days ahead...and better ways to joyfully serve my man <3 .
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