June 6th, 2018
Yesterday, a good friend of mine asked me about my stepkids. She knew of our situation leading up to the end of the (home)school year, but we hadn't been in touch since. I haven't posted much of anything on social media about my feelings since their departure, either, so she was trying to keep the conversation going and asked.
I told her what I had been telling those closest to me who had asked...it's bittersweet.
Despite them wanting to go back and everyone agreeing over it, a small part of me wishes it could have worked out. That it(the whole situation) didn't take the huge toll on our marriage and relationship with my own children that it did. That it wasn't such a huge shift in my thought patterns. That those kids didn't have such an intense chaotic presence about them.
As we continued talking about our families adjusting to a new season of change(she had taken some steps in homesteading, both of us feeling "kinda" done with homeschooling for the summer,etc.) she paused for a moment and a perplexed look crossed her face.
"Do you have somewhere else to be today?" She asked mid-conversation.
"No. Why?" I said.
"You've been checking your phone for the time a lot the past few minutes," She replied.
"Oh." I said, laughing nervously. "I hadn't even noticed I was doing it. Sorry!"
She took a deep sigh and her shoulders relaxed. "It must be nice,"
"Hmm?"
"I was just thinking...it must be nice for you to not have to worry about rushing home to be in time for the school bus or them anymore. To actually have no time limit to rush back home. To sit here and talk with us as long as we're all here."
This woman came into my life knowing me no other way. When we met, I was tense and always bringing up how much time I could spend before having to go to meet the stepkids coming off the school bus.
Today, we had (with other homeschool moms) spent almost three going on four hours at the playground.
I looked at her, her body relaxing as she said these things. I looked at the other moms, some who knew our situation and some who didn't. But all were totally at ease and looked like they had nowhere to be beyond here.
I know it seems stupid, but...I hadn't realized how much of a toll having my stepkids affected all this. How it didn't just impact me and my little tribe, but my extended circle as well. I didn't realize until I saw her body going from tense to relaxed and at ease how much those kids and their circumstances came out of my mouth.
I didn't realize their chaotic atmosphere had spilled so much over into my own presence that it had affected those who interacted with me.
As the conversation flowed and other women jumped in, I noticed as soon as the conversation came back to my stepkids, for some reason I started stuttering and repeating words. My speech and heart quickened. When the hell did THIS start happening?!
I'm no Casanova when it comes to verbal communication, but I never sounded so...nervous or jittery at the initiation of a topic.
I realize now it's been going on for almost a year now. I also realize I'm not the only one whose speech has changed. My youngest daughter has taken to speaking at a ridiculously fast pace. My son has started to project his voice. My oldest daughter has taken to mumbling things under her breath then sarcastically going "Hmm....what? I didn't say anything." My husband has been speaking to himself-loudly, I might add- outside when he goes out to smoke. He'd be practicing what he'd say before coming back in and saying it to me or whoever.
All this because two kids came and dictate conversations- by getting louder and louder, by always rudely redirecting the conversation to topics they wanted to talk about.
I hadn't realized it, but all of us had a default coping communication mechanism to even so much as get a word in.
As another mom shared her struggles with her oldest daughter, she said something that described my realizations perfectly(when referring to her own child)-
"She's like...a vortex. She can enter the room and within minutes, everyone's attention is on her. It has to be. My other children remarked, 'I don't always like it when she's home because she takes all of you and dad's attention.' She has a victim mentality...but it's always about her. Always."
Being about to look back and take a breather, I realized....that was these kids.
I kept thinking once we got them the help they needed for so long but didn't receive due to their biological mother's mental instability...they'd mellow out, demand less, and essentially realize their place in our family. But the more help they got, the more attention they demanded of me, my kids, the school, my husband.
I tried really hard to redirect, to let them see they have priority but not the top priority. I understand they're finally getting long overdue help; but they aren't my #1 priority, as they shouldn't be. My own kids aren't even #1- God is.
However, whenever I(or my husband, or my children, or anyone else) tried to bring this realization to their atmosphere, it never bade well. They have absorbed their mother's victim mentality and selfish craving for attention at all times. As a result, when it wasn't about them, they did whatever they had to in order to make it about them once more.
Being aware of this makes my heart ache. Not only do I feel bad for my stepkids, but I feel bad for my family. We all allowed it and found coping mechanisms to deal with it. We aren't PTSD survivors- we SHOULD NOT need to have coping mechanisms to live and conduct ourselves in our own home!!!
But yet we did.
All because we opened our home up to two kids who we thought needed us, but through actions and words made it known they didn't want our help. They just wanted it to be about them, all day, every day. By any means necessary.
I just...I just can't believe I was so deep in, I hadn't realized it. I hadn't seen it.
I know they need help...but they just can't get it here.
I can't help fix what I didn't break.
I can only pray God helps me to fix my own little family...the ones that want to be here...before we break anymore.
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