Indecisive Soul

 It has been a while since I've typed up anything.

It's so easy to write when you have big goals. I had come back to Christianity(or maybe I had finally made my faith my own(?)), I wanted to do dating and engagement as much of God's way as possible, God opened the door for me to find my husband, we dated long distance, we broke up, I tried(and failed) to become Amish, I dabbled in being Mennonite, we got back together. We got married, I tried(and failed) to lose weight, we got custody of his kids, we almost went through a divorce(or two), we gave custody of his kids back to their grandmother, I did some soul searching, I wallowed in depression for a bit, withdrew myself from who I thought was my best friend, I threw a hissy fit and hit the ground running on my weight loss journey and saving up to get my tubes untied. Found someone who may be my new best friend.  I lost the weight needed but wallowed some more in limbo. Cue Pandemic. Finally saved up enough money and got my tubes untied. Got a job for the next goal. Became Catholic. Had to quit said job after a year because said job started to kill my body. Returned to being a homemaker. 

And now here I am. Struggle bussing to lose 20 lbs., still not pregnant, and back to feeling in limbo. Feeling but not looking my age(thanks, genetics). Claiming to get off Facebook but just unfriending everyone because I got sick of seeing so many post things that are fear-based...er, I mean "informing others of the **REAL** truth"(whatever that means). Getting slightly addicted to Amazon discount code purchases. 

It's hard to write when you've spent the past year trying not to come undone. It's hard to write when your own eyes are opened to seeing most of the people that "follow" you on social media claim to be your friend but don't bother to do more than a sad emoji when you're having an off day(or weeks). It's hard to write when so many say they can relate to your writing, but at the end of the day, you feel like an online jester- just there to make them laugh. 

So, I stopped writing...anything. I stopped typing. I didn't see the point. 

To be honest, I still don't fully see the point. I don't have a big goal in mind. I feel like a broken record saying "I need to lose weight!"(but seriously, I do *shrugs*). Because so much of my written journey has been about finding amusement in the midst of the everyday, losing weight, chasing that next big goal. 

But my husband(Lord bless him) sees something amiss. He pointed out something is off about me. Something that only writing makes right. 

So, here I am. Typing up something I'm not even sure I'll publish. Typing up...something. Typing up my indecisive soul. 

Right before I make myself late to Mass(again). Crud. 

Until Next Time...