Thursday, July 22, 2021

What Am I Afraid Of?

 I decided to do two things I don't usually do, both with the same conclusion. 

The first thing I did this morning was weighed myself. I felt stupid doing so, because for the past several months it hasn't told me something I didn't already know and its not like I expected weight loss. At this point, I'm trying to (loosely) maintain the weight I'm at so I know my starting point for when I go make the changes needed to actually lose the weight. 

It said I gained several more pounds past my current maintain weight. I initially freaked out before checking the calendar and reflecting some. I ate later than usual last night. I ate more than usual. My period is day(s) away. I haven't been diligent about my water intake(thus, the overeating). So, yeah, no duh I've gained more weight. 

Then, something inside me wanted to do Eucharistic Adoration. Now, as newbie Catholic, I really have no idea if I'm doing this "right". I know there's Youtube videos on how to do it "properly", but right now as a former Protestant, I'm trying to get comfortable doing it at all. If it's offered at a Mass, I try to sit still and just be content in silence but my mind wanders. I have tried several times to do it with the livestreamed EWTN Roku channel but for some reason, it keeps stopping at some point which distracts and fustrates me. So, I gave up and went to Youtube. My mind started wandering so I set a timer and said I'm going to try REALLY hard to focus. I started to feel like God was speaking to me, but as in former months, I'm not so sure anymore. So, I wrote down what I was "hearing". When the timer went off, I lingered a few more moments and then went about my morning rituals. 

As I went about my morning, I pondered my own soul in both areas. 

I love being active, I love keto(I really do!), I love that I'm still able to move my body in some way and see progress(even if I haven't been lately). 

I love sitting at the feet of Jesus. I love the silence, I love being able to take that time out of my day/week and say "alright, Jesus, I'm listening"(even if my mind wanders). 

But...something is holding me back. I feel stuck. I know what I need to do...but I just don't seem to have the oomph to do it. 

Both brought me to the same question....

What am I afraid of? 

And the answer was also the same- FAILURE

I have tried and failed for my entire 20's to lose weight and keep it off. It's only within the past 2 years I have even reached(and stayed) under 200lbs. I love keto and will absolutely tout it as the best way for my body to be at its best. 

However, the pandemic(and working outside the home for over a year) shifted something in my head. Seeing bare shelves for hours on end as part of my job, then seeing it as I try to keep up with current events via social media tripped the poor girl switch in my brain. Now, even though shelves are relatively full again and as far as I know we(as a country) don't intend to go through another pandemic...the poor girl fear of not getting enough food and/or not being able to get the basics still looms in my head. I'm trying to restock my pantry but at the same time, I'm starting to realize it's not enough. I don't feel secure. I'm afraid we're going to have another tidal wave of bare shelves and I will have failed my family by not providing for them. So I have been eating up leftovers to make room for more stuff...and its showing. Poor girl has been trying so hard to waste not, want not and the only thing I'm wanting is to not be so big because of wasting not. 

At the same time, I have prayed so hard to my Patron Saint. I have prayed to Mary. I have prayed and hopped onto literally anything Catholic I can find. But I feel like I just don't have enough faith. I hear almost every day about people doing novenas and just laying something down(essentially to God) via a Saint/Guadian Angel/etc., mountains being moved, and I think I'm doing that. But I always do it with eyes cast sideways. Is this Saint ACTUALLY listening? Are they REALLY praying for JUST ME right now, up there? Can they in their Heavenly State SERIOUSLY intercede in such an amazing way or am I just being silly hoping they can do anything? I talked to my priest about it and he said praying to Saints, etc. is NOT a requirement for being Catholic. Some people choose to and some don't. I want to, but...I feel weird doing so, especially with my past of being pagan and largely being Protestant. Ultimately, I'm afraid that no matter who I go to, God is still going to let me down. 

I'm afraid to give anyone(a Saint, etc.) that much power in my life, but essentially, I'm terrified to fully and totally give my life in its entirety....to God. 

I guess it's because I was so sure I was giving my life to God. I thought my life was on a relatively chaotic but straight course to what God had for me. And I believe that I've had seasons where I give everything to God and have been blessed by it(even if I didn't see it at first or it didn't seem like what I thought). 

But then...I eventually take it back. I always do. Is this human nature? Going through the Old Testament would tell me-YES. Why am I so afraid to continually give God my life all the time? Why do I only trust Him when that's my only option? When I can't think/panic attack my way through it? 

Why is failure in both areas such an end-all, be-all? Who told me that? 

I...don't know. 

Granted, I am taking steps in both areas. I'm trying. 

I'm trying to remember, I won't be perfect in ANYTHING at ALL TIMES this side of Heaven. 

Omph. That hurts to realize! 

But that still means I'm also going to keep refining and retuning these areas. They're always going to be a work in progress. 

The little girl in me wants to stomp my foot and say, "That's NOT fair! You mean to tell me I'm not just going to get to a point where I ALWAYS trust God and can easily just hand over my life entirely to Him? I won't have a mountain top moment in either area where it'll just be second nature and I can kick back and enjoy the view?! I won't have to think AND watch what's going in my mouth(and not *just* watch what's going in my mouth)? I won't be able to stop feeling like I'm going uphill but will have to continually "keep on, keeping on" until I get to glory?!? What kind of crud is THAT?!" 

(I know some of you are probably laughing sarcastically like "It's called LIFE, Sweetheart!" but every time I have this revelation, I'm still taken aback by it)

I guess that's why both are called journeys and not destinations. 

Can't I just be a healthy weighted Saint already, for Pete's sake?!?! 

*Sigh*

Until Next Time...



1 comment:

  1. Hey lady! I've been thinking about you! I hope you are doing well! And I understand the frustrations. Sometimes I personally think we put to much focus on the religion and not relationship with Jesus. At least that happens with me

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