At this week's therapy session, my therapist tried to give me some exercises to access what she calls my "wise mind", trying to see which one I would be most comfortable trying. During one exercise, I put out a question to(in my case) God and did my best to quiet my mind and focus in hopes of hearing an answer.
"Think of a question," she said.
I did, and the answer came quicker than I expected.
"When you're ready, open your eyes...and let's discuss,"
I opened my eyes and blinked back tears.
Not phased by my tears(at this point, I think my crying is a given at every session), she asked me, "What did you ask, and what was the response?"
"I...I asked why I always expect more."
"And? What did you hear?"
"I heard because I deserve more than what I'm getting," I replied.
"That's powerful."
I cried some more.
As I sit here, caffeinated and alone with my thoughts, I think back to what the past two people I've shared my heart(and body) with have said to me.
"I don't deserve you."
"You deserve so much more."
And my initial thought is, 'Oh, they're just being humble.'.
Looking back, however, tells me otherwise.
Over the past two weeks, my mind has gone back to the past. Especially when having a particularly hard day at work and I feel like I'm failing. Their words and better actions echo in my brain.
Was what my husband did *soo* terrible? I mean, I had it pretty cushy as a homemaker. Was taking a stand really worth losing that?
Should I have just taken my last lover up on his offer? Was only seeing him when he wanted so awful, as long as I was being seen at all?
Is getting the crumbs better than starving?
Why the hell am I okay with crumbs?!?
I put myself on a dating app, then, upon seeing the guys I should want, felt unworthy of, not ready for.... got frustrated at myself and ended up deleting the entire account. And feeling guilty for even trying so early. Again.
I'm not "there" yet.
I looked at their pictures of them traveling, eating, exploring, doing. Some of them have kids and can still do things. I sit here and...don't. I haven't traveled, I have done my fair share of eating(just not in any place that doesn't have a drive-thru), I have explored nothing and I haven't done...much.
I've wanted to, but I always thought these things should be shared with someone...someone you love. And I spent almost 8 years begging my husband to do something, anything beyond sitting at home and watching movies or going out to eat and going to the movie theater with me. I then spent almost four months trying to get my recent guy of interest to do basic things with me, only to be met with his crippling anxiety and being made to feel guilty for wanting to enjoy anything outside his comfort zone.
Now I'm at a place where money isn't entirely an issue(Thank God). I could do some things...
But a part of me just keeps hoping one of them would have been "that guy". The guy who said, "I see your heart and you deserve so much more, so I'm going to rise to the occasion." It's like holding my breath, waiting and hoping one of them will see and go, "You can breathe now, because we can do this, together," only for that moment to never come.
I guess...I had hoped I'd find a guy where I'm at now. Like me. On the cusp of seeing there's more to life, that has goals and dreams and is ready to start them, but was just waiting for someone like me to start them with.
Wait.
Isn't that what I ran away from? Two men who had a dream or two but no actual urge to do them, then they met me and thought I'd be the motivation they needed to get shit done? Only to realize I'm NOT Jesus, I can't make anyone do anything or motivate anyone to be something they don't-or can't-be on their own?
Shit.
And why...WHY...do I keep this notion? THat my life can't truly "begin" until I have someone to share it with? Why do I keep putting my goals on hold...small stuff, like running a 5K...because I'm afraid I'll have to do it alone? And that'll look...weird? Why are these thoughts inside my head?
Another thing--why am I so busy? Both past lovers said this to me, but one in praise and the other in exhaustion trying to keep up with me.
Busy was a coping mechanism when I was married. I could lay in bed and be sad my husband wasn't having sex with me, or I could use that energy to scrub a toilet! I could yell at him(and nothing be accomplished), or I could go to the gym and work out until I was too tired to care!
I could notice the guy I was with had mental health struggles, or I could cook a week's worth of food! I could accept he wasn't the guy for me, or I could scrub the kitchen until it was hospital-level clean!
My husband LOVED me being busy because it took the pressure off of him to face his own struggles within our marriage. If I'm too busy to talk(or nag, according to him), then everything is fine! Until it's not and I'm crying hysterically, while curled up in the fetal position in bed and eating chocolates and telling him I can't accept this!
My last boyfriend HATED me being busy because I couldn't drop everything when he needed me to. Even when I gave him set times to meet that would be reasonable, those weren't good enough! It had to be on HIS time, not something that would work for both of us, heaven forbid! Then when I had time to take a breather and say, hey, let's work on making this aspect of us healthy...he was overwhelmed and didn't have time! Why am I springing this at such a bad time! He's busy! He has a lot going on!
So, I cleaned, cooked, worked out, and put myself in literally anything I could to avoid the truth--neither guy deserved me.
Neither guy thought I was worth being better for.
A (large) part of me says, "Hey, that's just too fucking bad! Their loss! That is THEIR issue, that's THEIR struggles, not mine!", another part of me says..."Ouch. Damn. As much of my time and energy as I gave them...and they couldn't even try? I mean, REALLY try? Didn't they see how much I put into them? Into their happiness?"
Why do I keep turning around? Why do I keep looking back, thinking maybe if I did or said one more thing, the lightbulb in their heads would go on and they'd outwardly say, "Yes! I'm going to be the man YOU need!"
...And when will I be okay with my own company?
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