Running on "E"

 I went to court for my divorce last week. I drove a total of 90 minutes for a 5-minute court hearing. 

"You need to fill out these two forms and then I can sign off on the divorce," the judge said. 

"Yes, your honor, " I said. 

"Court adjourned."

I sat there, fuming and wondering why the courthouse couldn't just send that in a letter. 

I drove home, and because it was a 45-minute drive with spotty radio reception, my mind decided time to unleash some feelings! 

Two more papers...then that's it. 

Almost eight years of marriage and all to undo it are maybe 10 pages and two hundred-ish dollars. 

Why couldn't he just be the man I needed him to be?

No,no,no,no......Tears start to form, and I wipe them away. Finally, the radio comes back on, so I crank it up and scream-sing the rest of the way home. 

Just when I think the thoughts have escaped my mind, I get a text message. 

"Did you get the divorce decree yet?" 

"No"

"I need it for my RV insurance"

"???" 

"Because of the car accident. MY name was still on the policy when it happened, they need proof of our divorce." 

"I have to fill out 2 more pages and the judge said he'd sign off on it."

"When??" 

"I don't know...you know, you could call the courthouse and ask them yourself(?)" 

"Ok"

I see him on Easter, due to my youngest being in a singing part of the Easter service and me wanting to go. He doesn't greet me, but instead bolts out to his car, mumbling something about the church serving breakfast and we'd better hurry as he flies past. I feel guilty for coming and making him feel anxious. I assume he's going outside to smoke, but of course, he never sits close enough for me to tell. As soon as service is over, he gets up like he has hot coals in his pants and again bolts somewhere else. 

I talked about my last blog post with my therapist. About how I keep busy. 

"Maybe you should schedule yourself some time to...feel things, Jenn."

"Because I have time(?)" I say sarcastically. 

She looks at me and says simply, "Try making time. 10 Minutes this week." 

I don't have time! I think, but don't say. 

She also mentions how healthy relationships build a "house", and how most people(myself included) don't put the proper foundation and skip steps in the building process and that's why couples come to therapy. Because their foundation(or some other layer of their "House") is shaky. She sends me home with another photocopy to look at and think over. 

I manage to get fired for the first time, ever in my life. It's not my primary job, but my second job. This brings "the time to feel things", as my face gets hot and I cry for several hours. I also emotionally eat my weight in low-carb peanut butter ice cream and Easter egg Reeses, while watching Gilmore Girls for several hours. 

It's like getting a slap in the face from someone beneath you. Except it's your ex and a job you almost destroyed your body for. 

Over the course of 2 days, I get two separate guys messaging me, saying they'd like to possibly date me. Then skip over the formalities and go straight to asking nothing but sexual questions. 

Thanks, but NO THANKS. 

Just to amuse myself, I meet one of them for coffee. I'm the only one who buys(and pays for) coffee. 

He comes straight from work. Not laborious work. I ask him twice if he'd like to meet a little later to go home first, but he declines. 

Okay...

First thing I notice- his odor. I know everyone has a scent, but it wasn't one I'd exactly like. 

The second thing I notice-he looks sloppy. 

He looks self-conscious at first, so I put my customer service attitude on. It's awkward. The lulls in the conversation feel uncomfortable. Most of his questions are of sexual nature. When I try to steer the conversation to normal basic questions like "What's your favorite movie?", etc., he answers them but rarely asks mine. We have very little in common. He keeps asking if he can kiss me and I decline. I sip my cold brew coffee when trying to tactfully think of ways to steer the conversation to things that don't involve me being naked. 

We get ready to go our separate ways, I say I'll give him a hug. We hug, it's even more awkward. I get in my car and look down...and on my black sweater is half a pound of dandruff. A half a pound of DANDRUFF. THAT ISN'T MINE. I step back out of the car and shake myself, disgusted. He tries messaging me a few hours later, but I keep my responses one-sided and as short as possible, hoping he gets the hint. 

Guy #2 messages me again. I keep saying let's meet face-to-face and he keeps telling me days he can't when I keep telling him days that work for me. He repeats he wants to meet on all of the days I mentioned. I sigh in frustration, as I contemplate blocking him. 

Christmas time ex-lover messages me. He says he noticed me when I went to my old job today, and I looked nice. Wondered what the special occasion was. I tell him I met someone for coffee and went to get some groceries. He doesn't probe. He's being an okay friend at this point. 

I go to one of the owners at my old job(not the one I got fired from, the one I left with proper notice and much sadness from both the owners and me). He asks me how both jobs are. I explain to him I got fired from the second one. He asks me if I want to come back, I say a little too dryly, "Do you actually WANT me back?". He looks at me almost hurt. "Of course, we'd like you back...no one did that job better than you." I apologize, saying I didn't think they were still accepting more people, based on how many were on the schedule. He brushes it off saying it's still not enough and to talk to his wife, but he's certain they'd take me back in a heartbeat. I tell him I'll think it over. 

This week was beyond emotionally draining. I feel like my emotional tank is running on fumes, but I have no idea what to do in order to fill it back up. 

My therapist didn't prepare me for this part.