Two days ago, I went on a hike and to a hot spring. With a guy.
I don't know if I can call what we went out on an actual date.
This is the 3rd time in several months that he's reached out to do something with me.
He hasn't tried anything(aside from inviting me) to indicate said encounters are dates of the romantic sort.
He asks, I say yes, we go. We part ways.
A lot of talking happens...usually on his end. Which some women would find off putting, but after dealing with men that don't usually do more than grunt or talk about video games, it's somewhat refreshing to not have to be the one filling up the quiet spaces.
Anyways, after spending a few hours shy of an entire day together...my mind automatically went to "What the hell is THIS?" "What ARE we doing?" "Do I actually like this man?"
Then my mind went back to the past several seasons.
I am single...willingly.
I am at a point now that I can honestly say I enjoy my own company. I am okay sitting in my own silence. I enjoy having a King sized bed all to myself(okay, to be fair...I've always enjoyed that).
Lately, with conservative Christianity shed off my persona and me trying to figure out...who I am and what I actually want, I've started trying to envision what I want my best self to look like. What does she do? What does she not do? Where will she live? How will she eat(because y'all know, I'm all about that food life)? Etc.?
And each time I work on it, I notice one thing isn't there.
And it's...a man.
I'm doing my best life by myself. For myself.
20 year old me would have been so sad with that realization. After all, humans aren't meant to be alone. Who am I if I am not serving a man?
(and for those who think that last statement is archaic, please remember my conservative background the past almost 20 years.)
But 30, a few years shy of 40 me?
She's excited for it. She's ready to be selfish with her time and energy.
However....I've noticed a very strange trend in my life.
Anytime I've become single and just get to the place of accepting it(willingly or not)...a man tends to suddenly spring up in my life. When that happens...I tend to, without them realizing it, fall back into old patterns of submitting, following, obeying and saturating myself with them.
Also, because I can't(yet!) pick a decent man to save my life, they always soak up everything I give them. They make decisions for me. They lead me. They'll give me things(usually money and sex) to continue to shut me up keep the peace when I start to expect deep things from them.
Some women would be perfectly content with a man doing these things for them. To some degree, I think a part of me still wants this. The issue lies with...well, them AND me.
The men that I encounter are usually quick to do these things. But rarely are able to continue these things long term.
As my heart sat there these past two days, wondering with excitement and a little fear, if this current guy might be someone worth pursuing romantically....to the point where my sleep schedule has been thrown off and it's always in the back of my mind...I had to stop myself.
I needed to process this here.
I stopped asking "Do I like him?" and started asking "why do I feel the need to decide if I like him?"
That, of course, brought deeper questions that I'm sure would better be answered in therapy, but because I am broke...I have to continue to process here.
Why am I willingly making something bigger that may very well be a harmless friendship?
Why do I feel the need to overshare about this with anyone who will listen?
What about me attracts men that feel the need to "save" me?
What do I put out into the universe that says to others "I need to be saved"?
That last question...made me go back to my first "real" relationship.
Or should I say "grooming"?
I had a middle school sweetheart. My mom passed unexpectedly. While still dating my middle school boyfriend, a man I trusted...a much older man...decided it was his mission to convert me.
We talked about religion...Christianity, of course...non stop. He and his wife saw my orphaned heart and wanted to show me stability. In the name of Christian love, of course. They answered my questions to the best of their ability and I marveled at how well they appeared to do life. They were the wealthiest people I knew at the time, which wasn't saying much because I was pretty poor.
Then...after months of talking, sometimes with both of them, but eventually the wife tired of my never ending questions...it became just him and I. Talking about Christianity.
As time went on, our talks were still about Christianity. However, everyone that knows me knows I am also a non-degreed psychologist. I find people's stories fascinating and ask a lot questions to get to know the real them better. Not to be nosey, or to pass judgement, but because...I just like to know why people do what they do.
Truths he never spoke to anyone else came out. Not knowing what else to do, I hugged him(because that's what people do...right?). He suddenly turned, leaned down...and then our relationship took a very different turn, as he took advantage of my kindness.
It went on for years. I spent a lot of years very confused by...whatever it was. After all, I was a teenager. He was almost three times my age. He talked a big talk about converting the masses and displaying what a good, Godly man he was. All the while doing very un-Christian things to a teenager. And several other women in the church. While his wife knew and turned a blind eye.
I'm not ashamed it happened(after all, I did nothing wrong to make it happen) but I will say that ever since then, I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like.
Ever since then, men have been trying to "convert" me to something, or to save me....
My ex-husband tried to convert me into being a very passionate(albeit hyporcritical) conservative political follower(sometimes Christ. But mostly politics). My most recent ex-situationship(?) tried to save me from being disappointed and expecting too much from this world(because, you know, its so awful and all). Before my ex-husband, a guy tried to win me to communism by providing not so stellar oral sex(I only wish I was joking)...another to the religious experience of anal sex. Another to body building(this one wouldn't of been so awful had he not had rage and anger issues from all the supplements he was taking/unresolved childhood trauma). One to Catholicism(while also being a raging alcoholic and serial cheater), another to being Muslim and "the ghetto fab life"(while also illegally dealing drugs despite me begging him not to). And one more(another not as older man) to being an upright Christian missionary while putting me in every position but.
When I tried a few years later(in my early 20's) to re-connect and see if there were any sparks left from my middle school sweetheart, despite me telling him the reason why we ended was because I was groomed by an older man, he, too, thought this would be the perfect chance to tell me he was currently in what early social media posts would deem "it's complicated" relationship with his current girlfriend and would I consider hooking up on the "DL" with him, just to see if maybe we could eventually be something more? Disgusted that I saw that side of him, I said no.
Are the men to blame? OF COURSE.
Am I?
...uh, duh.
Very much duh.
With these things out in the open, I now have to ask myself...
Why is it when I get to this place...the place where I can acknowledge something inside of ME isn't what it should be and I should uncover that, sit in that and work towards healing from that...that a man comes along? Were they always there(I mean, I guess they are. We do have half of them as the population after all)? Do I have to respond?
Maybe the reason I don't see a man of any kind in my meditations/mental manifestations are because men are dare I say a triggering thing to me right now. I don't hate men(I think), I just don't want one in my inner most being right now. I don't want one sticking their private regions(and saving complex) in my peaceful spaces.
Unhealthy men are my trauma response.
And I need to figure out and explore more deeply why.
