Saturday, December 10, 2016

God Has A Funny Way of Answering Prayers

Greetings, Chaotics!
*Disclaimer: I wrote this over a month ago. I am SO sorry that I totally forgot to publish it!*

Today, I want to talk about answered prayers. As you know, God and I have a....very interesting relationship when it comes to our form of communication(prayer and answers to prayer). And how it has to do with all the events of the past 24 hours.

Sometimes, I'll pray for something specific and in His time, I get it, exactly how I asked. These sort of prayers are pretty cool to see, because I feel like God is really interested in someone as totally boring as me. That God...dare I say? Really cares about lil' ol' me. I know people say parent's don't pick favorites and all that jazz, but when this happens, it feels like God is saying., "You're my favorite!".

Sometimes, I'll pray for something specific and...hear nothing back. These are often the most frustrating, because I feel like I'm praying God's will for my life, but then even the crickets are quiet and I realize...whoops, nope, that's just me treating God like some genie in the sky instead of the Maker of my soul. Then I have to back track, which usually means that God needs to work on something in me.

Sometimes, I'll pray(crazy as it sounds) over a situation that's on my heart and that God just does what He wants in it. Usually, this happens after Sometime #2 happens and I haven't really come to the point that it's me, but I'm just tired of dealing with it on my own strength. These are my "wild card" prayers because I think I know what God is going to do, and sometimes He does it just as I think He will, but most times He doesn't and it knocks my socks off in amazement. In some instances, He'll answer more than one prayer at a time and then I'm just totally flabbergasted because, well, that's pretty awesome and woah, he's blessing me in more than one way!

Well, these past few months, I've had my stepchildren on my heart. Call it the Holy Spirit, Motherly intuition or whatever you want, but they have been on my heart. For those who know me well, this was sort of a shock in itself. My stepchildren are NOT fond of me, and, although I love them, I didn't really....like them. So, they weren't usually on my mind or heart because they weren't my children. Until the past few months.

Because of the awkward position I was in(stepmother, not exactly fond of their mother), I kept my distance and did what I could....I prayed.

I prayed for their safety, because something in my heart said something's not right. 
I prayed for their family to come to know God, because, well, despite our feelings towards one another, I really don't want the children to be separated from God. I wanted all of them to know and love God.
I also prayed, and I don't fully know why, that if their mother was for some reason not being a good mother to them, according to God's standard and not my own(because I am human and flawed just like everyone else) that we would get full custody of them. But if that was not God's will that God will bridge a better relationship between all of us so I wouldn't have to punch her in the throat, I mean, so that my husband wouldn't feel divided between us and them.
As you all know, I have also been praying for more children. I thought God would open the door for us to have some of our own. And maybe He will. But as it stands, He hasn't. With this particular prayer, first I prayed for Him to miraculously open my womb. After a year of that not happening, I started to pray that God would provide the money for the surgery I need to reverse my unfertility. After a year of that not happening, I finally started praying my "wild card" prayer, just saying, "Look, God, you know I want more kids. I don't care HOW you do it- adoption, in-vitro, miraculously opening my womb, blessing us with the money to do the surgery, or if you just drop some kids on our doorstep. I really don't care anymore. I feel like kids are missing from our family and I want Your will to be done in it. So, do it however you think is best."
After months of no response, I assumed things were fine. The stepchildren were being kept safe, I was worried for nothing. And God was working on something in me to prepare my heart for more children. That He was showing me that He and I needed to have more heart-to-hearts on some issues because, He wasn't done with me yet. I was okay with this.
But then....
My husband got a call. First, a call from Utah, which was weird, because we know no one in Utah.
A few minutes later, a call from the children's grandmother. She wasn't sure what was all going on, but the kids may need to stay with us soon. Their mother had done some things and she may or may not get arrested for them. She'd call once she knew more.

My husband started to shake his head. "It was only a matter of time," he said.
I said, "let's not jump the gun, we don't know anything yet. Let's wait and see."

A few hours later....another call from their grandmother. We need to make arrangements to get them ASAP. Their mother was being arrested, CYS was involved, and her and her husband couldn't handle all three of the grandchildren. Could we take hubby's two?

God has a funny way of answering multiple prayers, doesn't He?

We drove the almost three hours to get to them. We were told the grim story of what the grandmother had just found out less than a day before, as well as what she and her husband had to deal with the past several months. I tried hard not to say too much, but once we had found out everything....something just overtook me.
Do you know what it was?
That crazy thing called Godly love.

Suddenly, these kids weren't just "hubby's kids that for some reason hate me." They were children that God loved and had a purpose for. They were children that God would do anything for. They were children that, for whatever reason, were dealt a crappy blow because their mother has mental health issues and couldn't seem to adult like what I assumed was the rest of us.
It didn't matter anymore if they hated my guts. It was of no concern to me that we may not get along.
God was answering the prayer of my heart. He was blessing me with more children. They were no longer "the woman we do not speak of" 's kids, they were now OUR kids. God said, "These are now YOUR babies." I get misty-eyed each time I think of it.
 Would I of imagined, in my wildest dreams, that I'd be blessed with two children that have had to process more dealing with their mom than most of us do in our entire lifetime? Did I ever envision myself in this way, once seeing them as "little heathen"(Oh, if only I had really sought God during our first two summers instead of trying to handle it all on my own! How much more understanding I'd have!) and now, as MY babies, who I love and would do anything for? Could I ever perceive that I, the person who wanted to do as little as possible with them, now has a mother bear instinct towards them, can't imagine life without them....?
God has a very, very funny way of answering prayers.
But do you know what?
I'm so glad He does.


Until Next Time,
~Mama Jenn

P.S.
I don't know what the future holds for our family, as Papa and "the woman we do not speak of" battle it out in the court system. I do, however, know Who does :) . Regardless of the outcome, I will continue to do my best with these kids, and bathe them, and this whole situation, in prayer. I don't usually ask for prayer, but considering the circumstances, it would mean a great deal to us if anyone out there reading this would send up a prayer on our behalf. Thanks, and until next time...~Mama

Thursday, October 13, 2016

When Was This "Not Enough"?

Greetings again, Chaotics.
Lately, I have been feeling....discontent with my life.
I had fallen away from my Stepford ways.
I stopped trying to lose weight.
My journey towards debt freedom was lonely and stale.
Our homeschool "day" was literally taking a good chunk of our day.
My husband started talking even MORE on homesteading, which, at one time excited me, but on top of everything else, made me feel even more overwhelmed.
And then, out of the blue...

I got a call for a job I had applied at two months ago. A job I applied at because, at the time, I knew I could get it. A job that, at the time, I only wanted because I was angry at my husband.

I asked my husband what I should do. A large part of me dared hope that this would be the ONE time he put his foot down and said, "NO!" and command me not to do something. That he would see how very overwhelmed I already was with homeschooling, how much of a failure I felt at tackling our budget, how tired I already was between home and church activities.

Maybe he did. But, instead, he said in a tired voice, "Do what you think is best. I'll support you no matter what you decide."
Any other time, I would have been thrilled to hear these words. But that day, those were the last words I wanted to hear.

So, I took the job. Not because I wanted to, but because I figured maybe this was God opening up a door for me to finally do something right(tackling debt). I prayed on it, and when I heard no response from God, no sign on the side of a dumpster, I took it as God was just saying, "Do I REALLY need to say anything? Just take the stinkin' job!".

In minutes, I realized...the people at this particular location are not the same as those in another location I worked at. There was no friendly chatter, no talking about their lives, no joking about...anything. I thought maybe it was because I was new, and everyone was a bit uneasy around me. But after two weeks, I barely got three half sentences about their life beyond the job.

No biggie, I reasoned. It's just a job until I become debt free. Work and go home. 

In two weeks, I realized, these people take their jobs a bit more seriously than my previous location. And that, if we're being totally honest, I could really care less. We're not getting serious bucks to take this job that seriously. Most of us are barely above poverty line for income. We're not getting paid according to our passion for the company. We're getting paid because we don't have the(fill-in-the-blank) to do a higher-income job.

But I digress.

I have called off twice in two weeks. I want to feel bad about it(especially considering I've only called off twice in one whole year at my other location!), but I really don't. They are already trying to gently tell me, I could do better. And, truth be told, I know I could. But, at the expense of what, exactly? And to please...who, exactly??

I woke up the other morning, still recovering from a stomach bug, and these words graced my brain-
 When was this "Not Enough"?

As I cleared my mind of cobwebs, I got pen to paper and started pouring out what was swirling around in my brain.

When was this "Not Enough"? 
Today, I'm home with some sort of belly bug. I worked less than two weeks and I'm ready to quit. 
What happened? Well, I got this job because I had said something wasn't enough. 
Papa Bear's bringing home more than he's ever bought home-yet because he still takes out cash advances, I said it's not enough.
Papa Bear kept adding to my plate of responsibilities. Instead of rising to the challenge, I ran away and said, "this is TOO MUCH, I've had enough!"...but instead of easing my own load, I added something else. 
My children weren't content with the rate things were going. Instead of telling them to suck it up, buttercup, I said in agreement that all we're blessed with is not enough.
Instead of wisely managing what I do have, I kept spending like money was water. I said it wasn't enough. 
I was tackling most of the finances. Instead of proving to Aaron that it all could be done, I foolishly started wasting--then yelled at him for overspending because I had hoped the money remaining would cover what I blew. I said neither one of us were enough.
When did I lose my joy in homemaking? When I realized it wasn't progressing us, when I said what I did, what God entrusted to me, wasn't enough. 
It infuriates me that I got a belly bug...that I got a job outside the home...to realize, I hate having to cater to someone that's not within my home's schedule, I hate not being the queen of all domesticated duties, I hate not being the boss of my own hours and days. I'm mad at myself that I could care less about this job, the service, about pleasing the very people who authorize my paycheck. 
I got this job to pay off debt...to prove to someone out there I was taking this debt thing seriously. But who am I kidding? I could of done that at home, being more mindful over Papa's money. 
It's not proving anything to Papa(**Side note- that night, he confessed it did. I'll explain below**). He's still spending money on the road. It's not proving anything to my kids. Except the complete opposite--how I value money over them. 
It's not proving to my debt journey friends a thing- they're not here. 
I feel like the biggest hypocrite in the world. I WAS a proud homemaker, I would constantly preach to other women what a joy it was  is  to be a homemaker. Now I'm embarrassed and horrified at the thought of someone I know seeing me at my job location. Now I'm falling behind in my housework. Now Papa and the kids are having to pick up the slack. Now I'm not sure if I want to keep going at this job.....

I stopped at that point because I started crying. I felt like such a fool. Someone, something had gifted me with this job..........to teach me a lesson. It wasn't about the money. It wasn't about proving something to, well, anyone. It was about ME. It was MY stinkin' thinkin' that needed to change. I was at my tipping point and the job was just the straw that broke this camel's back.

My husband and I had a talk that night. I really wasn't going to say anything. I was just going to suck it up and deal with it. I had taken the job, I was just going to need to learn to deal with it. But out of nowhere, my husband mentioned he was trying again to not spend a dime on the road. He was three days in, and he said, he was trying his best. He wanted next pay to be the pay he shows me a paycheck without advances taken out. The jaded part of me wanted to say nothing, to inwardly roll my eyes...because how many times have I heard that?!?. But I shut that hussie up and said words of congratulations. He then said something else....he noticed how he had been looking at the big picture(which, he had been lately-only thinking of our dream home without really thinking how we'd get there,etc.), and realized if he wanted to get to that place, that he had to take steps in the here and now to try and get there. As he said it, "I've been looking at the map but wondering why I keep tripping over rocks!".
Well, I started crying again. I told him how I hated this job, how I wanted O-U-T, how I discontent I was about not meeting any goals. He said he noticed, and that he wasn't sure why on earth I even took this job, my plate was already full, didn't I see how much what I WAS trying to do meant to him, to the kids, to our family? He then said how taking this job was the slap in the face he needed. He remembered how he promised me that as long as he was alive and able to work any job, that once we got married, I'd NEVER take another job outside the home. He knew then how much of a desire to be a homemaker for me was, but once he saw me at it(and not, you know, doing it Peggy Bundy style like his ex-wife did), realized how much he needed it, too. He didn't want me having to divide my time between a job that could really care less about me as an individual and a family that saw me as an essential part of making it work. That it is I who really makes our house a home, and without me fully devoting myself to it, it's just an empty shell that people share.

Well, if I wasn't crying before...I was REALLY letting the waterworks fly then.

We agreed, I was to quit.

The next morning, I realized both of us were doing the same thing, just in different measures. Papa was dreaming too far into the future without realizing the here and now. I was taking on too many of the here and now's trying to make the future into everything all at once.Because, wouldn't it be great if I lost weight, we got debt free, we had our emergency savings already in place, our pantry stocked, and a baby on the way..ALL AT THE SAME TIME?!?!
 I wrote down everything I was trying to accomplish, and put a number on the priority I wanted them done. That way, each time I start to feel discontent that everything is not falling into place at the same time, I have to remember, I am only one human being, and I can only do so much.

This is my list-
1. Start baby step 1 of saving $1000. 
   I texted Papa this, and told him, I won't quit my job until we meet this goal. If he's going to push himself to stop spending on the road, then I can push myself to make this job count in some way before quitting. If we both keep at it, we should have this by the end of November. I told him I really wanted to quit before snow and ice because, truth be told, nothing damper's a winter lover's attitude than actually having to put wheels under all that awesomeness and attempting to do stuff aside from making snow people.
2. Start saving a Repair/Replace Car Fund, and a Christmas/Birthday/Holiday fund.
   One of the main reasons we can't keep or maintain an emergency fund is that we treat our car emergencies like life or death emergencies and we act like Christmas(and birthdays,etc.) just springs up on us. No more!  After these two goals are met, we can actually enjoy the holidays without feeling like we're robbing Peter to pay Paul.
3. To have 2 months extra paid on all  our bills.
  This may sound like a silly thing, but it's not. Papa's a truck driver, and his ability to make more money slows down as he has to slow down on the roads. If we can keep our bills at two months ahead of time, then once the leaner months hit, we won't have to stress on if we can pay everyone because they'll already be paid.
4. To have a fully stocked pantry.
  This is my personal security issue. I want my dry pantry filled in case of anything, one freezer filled with just meats, and the other, with freezer meals I make. We're halfway full in the dry pantry, but once I leave my job, I'll have to start tackling the other two. IF I have time, I'd like to start using my youtube channel to record how I do this.
5.Baby Step 2- To have our debt fully paid by the end of 2017. 
I know this SEEMS impossible for us, especially on our income, ESPECIALLY with how much debt we have. But I'm trusting the God of the impossible.
6. To lose 50 pounds.
I have lost 10-ish pounds working my bum off during the summer. I need to do this not only to be a healthier me, but also because of  goal #7
7. To have the money saved up to do our DFS(Debt Free Scream) on the Dave Ramsey Show and get my reversal surgery done by 2018.
8. To start Baby Steps in Homesteading, while saving up for our dream home&land.

I'd like to juggle all these things at once, but I have tried and it doesn't work. While all these things seem like a ticking time bomb that need to be started right now, I know doing them all without giving each the total devotion it needs is just a recipe for disaster. Then nothing gets done and I become overwhelmed, tired and an angry, snappy Mama Bear. Even if this goal list takes longer than the times given, I'm going to trust God knows what He's doing.

So, no more of "This isn't enough." I'm going to be content with the step we're on now, and not listen or worry about what everyone else thinks. I'm going to give myself to the goal we're on and keep on keepin' on until we get it DONE, before moving onto to the next one.
Hopefully.

Anyone else like this as of lately? If so, I'd love to hear about it, or what you're doing to combat it!

Until Next Time,
~ Mama Jenn







Thursday, August 25, 2016

What's in a (Diet) day? Wednesday

Greetings, Chaotics!

Here's what I ate on Wednesday-
Pre-Breakfast Drinks: 2 Cups of water and 1 cup of Tea flavored with my Garcinia Cambogia packet



Breakfast- 1 cup of water, 1 energy bar, and 1 multi-vitamin

A.M. Snack- Cheez-Its and 1 glass of water

Lunch- 1 energy bar and 1 cup of water

Afternoon snack- 3 cups(roughly) of popcorn, 1 glass of water

Dinner- Ham and Cheese sandwich w/ 2 Tbs.(roughly) mayo, lettuce, pickle, and banana peppers. 1 Serving(about 24) cheddar and sour cream chips, 2 cups of salad with about 30 mini croutons, 3 Tbs. fat-free ranch dressing, and 2 glasses of water. 


And Here's what I did-
1. iWalk Strong 3 Mile(I alternated between using just a regular scarf and my ghetto weights since I don't have the stretchy band mentioned).
2. 7 Minute Total Body Toning Workout(I modified some of the moves because, well, I'm fat and can't do them)
3. Wake Up and Go with Denise Austin(again, modified a few and didn't realize it stops half-way through!)

TOTALS

Calories Consumed- 1675
Calories Burned-443
Total Calories(Calories Consumed minus Calories Burned)- 1232

Please note- I went over budget today. My Pre-workout calorie goal is 1539 calories. And I feel it- I woke up with a bit of a tummy ache :(  I will try better today(Thursday) to not get too crazy.

Until Next Time,

~ Mama Jenn

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

What's in a(Diet) Day? Tuesday

Greetings once again, Chaotics!

Here's what I ate and did yesterday.
Pre-Breakfast Drinks- Water, Tea, Garcinia Cambogia, and more water. 

Breakfast- Water, Energy Bar, and my Multivitamin

I bought a huge box of these, so expect to see them for awhile LOL

Lunch- Slim Fast and water

Popcorn, 3 cups

Dinner- 2 cups salad, 1/8(roughly) cup of croutons, 3 Tbs(roughly) of Fat Free Ranch Dressing, and 2 servings(roughly) of Yellow Rice and Pigeon Peas with some leftover chicken from yesterday. 

I think I added too much Pigeon Peas- I realized I was satisfied half-way through and had to stop eating! 


And, my workouts-
1. 1.0 Mile Happy Walk
2. Wake Up and Go Kickboxing Bootcamp
3. Energy Boost 5 Minute Walk

TOTALS

Calories Consumed-1125*
Calories Burned- 248*
Net Calories(Calories Consumed minus Calories Burned)=877*
*Note- these totals are from LoseIt!

Until Next Time,
~Mama Jenn


Tuesday, August 23, 2016

What's in a (diet) Day? Monday

Greetings Chaotics!

As promised, here is Monday's pictures of what I ate.
The start to every morning- a cup of water, a cup of tea flavored with my Garcinia Cambogia Packet, and another cup of water before my workout. 

Breakfast- a cup of water, my favorite Energy Bar, and a multivitamin

First Snack of the day- a bag of White Cheddar Cheez-Its and a cup of water. 

Lunch- a Slim Fast Shake and a cup of water. 
My Second Snack of the day- a Special K Chewy Snack Bar. 

My Dinner- A cup of water to start, followed with a bowl of salad(2c., roughly) topped with chicken(1c.), croutons(1/8c.), and fat-free ranch dressing(2Tbs., roughly), a baked potato with 2 Tbs. sour cream and 2 Tbs. butter, and another cup of water


Also, here are the workouts I did yesterday-

1. 3-mile walk
2. Wake Up and Go with Denise Austin
3. 2-mile walk in the mall*

*PLEASE NOTE* I usually don't do this much. I only walked around the mall because the kids had asked to go to the library that's about 45 minutes from our home. I noticed the last time we were there that 2 laps around our mall = 1 mile, so I told them if we were going to make that drive from now on, we were going to squeeze in a walk before we go. They agreed to it. We don't go to the library often, but at least now when we do, I can squeeze in an extra workout :)

TOTALS

Calorie Budget- 1539

Calories Consumed-1409

Calories Burned(working out)- 598

Calorie Adjustment(Calories Consumed minus Calories Burned)- 811

*Note- these are according to the LoseIt! Website. 




Dieting Progress, Week 8

Greetings, Chaotics!

Well, last week, I made no headway weight-wise. But, at the same time, I didn't really attempt much, either.

I really have no explanation for last week. I didn't have an unwelcome visitor, I just...lost momentum. The six-week hump turned into a two-week-long slump and I HATED it. I cried several times because I felt like I was falling back into old habits and all my work from previous weeks was in vain. I felt like "Fat Girl Jenn" came roaring back to life and I would never break the cycle of overeating, being lazy, and just never being truly healthy.

I did do several workout attempts. And it usually ended in me sweating and messing up moves...in 15 minutes or less. Which isn't my new "normal", but the "I'm just starting and this is not what my body is used to" old me. UGH!

If I didn't understand before, I understand a bit better now- what I eat affects me. During the week of the unwelcome visitor, I let myself go food-wise. I still ate smaller portions than usual, but it didn't matter- it still made me feel crappy. I guess I tried to congratulate myself on smaller portions, but now I get it that I MUST try to eat BETTER. I can't get away with just counting calories.

So, my personal goal for September is to try to incorporate more produce however I can. I bought the items to make my own salad mix instead of buying the pre-cut and assembled bags(because 1. My husband has noticed the cheaper ones have all the pre-cut veggies in the front of the bag...while 98% is just iceberg lettuce, and 2. We loved the chopped salad mixes, but we aren't exactly loving the prices). My goal for the next week or two is to have at least a side salad with my dinner every day, or a big salad at least once or twice a week. After that, I think I'm going to give the cabbage soup diet a try(which, if you don't know much about can read about here.) for a week, and see how I feel beyond that.

Funny how I said I wasn't going to go on some wacky cabbage soup diet, and now I'm seriously considering it, isn't it? I'm not even sure if anyone reads this anymore, so I guess if I sound like a hypocrite, it will only be to myself.

Oh, before I forget...I do have another goal. I am going to try to upload pictures of what I ate each day. I thought I'd be able to just do one post a week with the pictures, but my phone is running out of space(gee, wonder why....). I'm also going to post the links to the workouts I do since no one responded with wanting to see me do said workouts. Not that I'm complaining, that might actually be a blessing in disguise considering I looked like a flopping whale last week due to low energy levels. I won't do a full-on blog entry, just upload the pictures, tell you what it is and provide the workout link(s). I'll still attempt my weekly updates and see if I get too overwhelmed or not.

This week so far, I am feeling SO PUMPED to start getting back into a routine again! Maybe it's just the energy bars(LOL), but I am really excited and ready to push myself this week!

Here's to a great week 9!

Until Next Time,

~Mama Jenn

Monday, August 15, 2016

Dieting Progress Week 7

Greetings, Chaotics!

Last week, I mentioned I was feeling week 6. And it's true- I was feeling IT. The struggle was real, folks. As I got closer and closer to the end of the week, my diet just kept slipping and slipping. Yes, I was still at or under my calorie budget. But I was eating crappier and crappier foods each day. My body started to feel crummy and there were several times I just cried because I was so mad at myself for self-destructing what I felt like was weeks of hard work. I stopped taking my multivitamin, too.

My oldest, who is also dieting, started seeing me and caving as well. Again, nothing too extreme, but still...she started to feel crappy and lost energy as well. Which made me feel even worse.

Thursday was the icing on the cake. I decided that all this just HAS to do with the fact that I didn't take my weekly date myself night. So, I decided that, no matter what, I was going to fill up that bathtub, get my secret stash of chocolate out of the freezer, light that candle, grab my tablet, and stay in that tub until I looked like a human sized prune.

The only problem? Everything.

Because of the week I had, I decided, I need to treat myself MORE, to just get it out of my system, so to speak(because that worked so well for me before....not.). So, I grabbed a bag of semi-better for you nacho chips that was 3/4 full, two and a half Reese's Peanut Butter Cups(my husband has been bringing them home melted as of lately, so the other half of one was all over the inside of the package instead of in the cup). I put the bathtub to the hottest water setting because, well, why not? I have in the past and it felt like ah-may-zing, especially after several days of kicking butt and taking names workout-wise. I lit that candle. I found something of interest on YouTube. I poured the last(*sniff*sniff* :( ) of my Cucumber Melon Bath and Body Works Body Wash into the tub, got my razor out to shave my legs at some point, took my clothes off, and sank in. Ahhhh.

At first, I started to eat the nacho flavored tortilla chips. I thought, I'm not going to worry about the calories. I'm just going to inhale it. I slowly started to eat one chip at a time, savoring the different spices. But then, after about five chips, I just said, okay, savoring moment over, inhale time!

I paused long enough to inhale the Peanut Butter cups, then continued on with the nacho-flavored tortilla chips.

Within five minutes, I stopped. I felt like I was having a hard time breathing. I realized, oh, maybe I'm full. I looked at the container I had put the tortilla chips in, and realized, I had eaten almost all of them. Not all of them, but most of them. I kept trying to force myself to eat more, but then something hit me.

Do you know what hit me? Nausea. Nausea hit me.

Suddenly, I felt like I was going to puke. I pushed the container away, sat back in the tub, closed my eyes, and took several slow, deep breaths. I am NOT throwing up tortillas in the bathtub. I am NOT throwing up tortillas in the bathtub!

As I kept repeating this to myself, another realization hit me.

Holy snot, when did the water in this tub get so hot?!?

What a few minutes ago felt like heaven suddenly made me feel like a lobster in boiling water. I was nauseous, I was sweating profusely, and my skin felt like it was boiling. I tried to stay in the tub, saying this was a treat, I needed to get this out of my system, etc. etc....

Then ended up jumping out of the tub, blasting the AC on and sitting in front of the fan, trying to not puke and make my heart beat normal instead of like it was going to jump out of chest.

And once again...crying.

Ugh.

So much for my date night >:(

I ended up laying in bed the rest of the night, trying to calm the raging storm that was my stomach and trying hard not to move so my heart wouldn't decided to take a walk out of my mouth. And praying for help because I was sucking so bad all week.

I don't know why, but I weighed myself the next morning. I didn't take a picture, because, honestly, I was afraid it was going to say "Get off of me, fatty!" Or, "After the week you had, you've got to be kidding me."

And do you know what I saw? Do you?

Only something that could of came from God.

195.8

I cried again. There was just no way! I stepped on the scale two more times.

195.8

195.8

Are you serious? I mean....ARE. YOU. SERIOUS?!?

I looked back on the week and realized, maybe the week wasn't as awful as I thought. I still worked out....not as much I can, but I still tried. I did eat my non-diet fare, but I was still eating a child-sized helping of most of it(except Thursday). I was sleeping so much because I was feeling crummy that, well, duh me, I wasn't eating snacks or finding an excuse to eat more.

I still didn't take a picture, because I didn't feel like I earned that weight loss.

Yes, I see once again that I do need to make a better attempt at eating better for my body foods. And this pay, I do vow to change my diet for the remaining two weeks of August. But, at least there's a silver lining in the crumpled aluminum foil of my week, no?

Friday evening....I got my period.

Crap. Crap-la-de-da-tastic.

I ended up spending the weekend eating super small portions and curled in fetal position in my bed over cramps.
Stupid nacho flavored tortilla chips with more sodium than all the oceans combined. I hate you.

Yesterday, I tried to workout a little bit. I had forgot I had joined a challenge on LoseIt! to workout at least 15 minutes every day for the rest of August and it started yesterday. So, I quickly found a 15 minute Denise Austin Workout and forced myself to do it.

Then I did a 5 minute quick walk routine with Leslie Sansone.

I was going to push myself to do a lower abdomen workout, but then my husband called, and by the time we got off the phone, it was time to tuck in the kids and go to bed.

This morning, I'm still feeling a little iffy because of my unwelcome visitor, but I'm going to try and push myself to get at least 15 minutes of working out in today. I'm hoping my unwelcome visitor will go away tomorrow and I can get back to my usual workout routine once again. But, for today, I am just trying to get back on track with Slim Fast and get back in the habit of just working out in some way. And hoping my last week's failures will not mess up my energy levels this week. Again.

Hopefully, this weekend, I can jump start my personal challenge of eating more produce and hopefully getting my energy levels back or better than where they were. If I do, I will try to upload pictures and/or writing what I eat/do a few times next week.

Anyways, here's to hoping for a better week!

Until Next Time,

~ Mama Jenn