In the past two relationships I've had, both men had the same disposition when it came to Fall/Winter.
They hated it.
Early on, these seasons brought with them holidays-as they do for everyone-but also sadness. Bad luck. Bitterness over never fully being able to enjoy festive times because something always took the fun out of it and replaced it with tragedy. Panic. Worry.
On the other hand, I tried very hard when with them to bring them into my little corner of happiness. I don't know if its because my birthday falls in the midst of Winter, or because I love all the things that come with these two seasons, but...I love Fall/Winter.
I have had my fair share of bad holidays. Especially when men I loved were so hateful towards them.
One of my mom's friends stole all our Christmas presents on Christmas Eve. A lot of physical fights and cops called at holiday gatherings because one relative(or two) was drunk or on some illegal substance suddenly became their truth serum. I was almost molested by a cousin one New Years.
But...I tried so hard to genuinely enjoy these holidays. The days were shorter and the weather sometimes brutal.
I wear the most cozy sweaters and leggings. I don the funniest Christmas shirts I can find at thrift stores or on clearance. I re-watch Gilmore Girls, I decorate every corner of the house I can afford to. I watch the most festive of Christmas movies. I don't lick the yellow snow.
But, once Christmas fun is done....I cry. I never understood why I did this. I always assume its just the grandness of the holiday becomes so overwhelming, coupled with all the relatives I used to celebrate this with and tried so hard to make the season festive are now nothing more than memories in my heart. I will stare at the bright lights of the tree knowing the world won't be as bright and shiny, people will return to complaining about roads and shoveling snow instead of wondering how to best help their neighbor, and I cry.
This past year, decisions I have made in good faith...are turning sour. People I thought I could trust backstabbing me. Telling the truth in confidence only to have it spread to the public, horribly twisted into lies. My little family, trying so hard to just be ourselves and becoming a mockery to others of what happens when "you step out of God's Plan"(whatever that means). Kindness given, and given, and given to undeserving people, until I saw myself becoming...becoming....
bitter.
One tragedy after another. Panicking over what's around the corner. Frozen in fear of what's next.
I saw the months of Fall slipping quickly like sand between my hands. I knew Winter...my absolutely favorite time of year was coming, and it was coming FAST. I tried to look with such hopeful expectation. Winter, my birthday, Christmas, New Years. Hot Cocoa. Christmas music. Decorations. Fires in the chimney. A cat looking hopefully into my lap as I sit watching logs slowly burn and delight in warm drinks.
One tragedy after another. Panicking over what's around the corner. Frozen in fear of what's next.
It is the first week of December and none of the usual activites have been done. Traditions I've held so close to my heart are now thrown out the window. Worries about the consequences of decisions made in good faith, telling the truth, trying to be ourselves, and kindness given until nothing was left to give suddenly hitting me full force like a train without breaks.
I'm struggling. My heart, which is usually so light and joyous at this time of year....suddenly feels very heavy. Somewhat bitter. Largely sad.
There are no shiny lights shining brightly in my house. No tree taken out of storage. No wreaths or stockings hung. I have cried more in the past month than I have collectively all this year.
I can do only what I know to do...try to plan ahead. Because looking ahead is a lot better than looking around me at current circumstances. Maybe its a form of denial, or being unable to handle such a heavy weight...I don't know. But it helps me push through.
As I aimlessly scroll through one of my favorite sources of social media, a woman posted a video. It was largely tailored to people looking for their "person"(which I am not), but the advice she said really stuck with me.
"Before you contemplate what your person should look like, be, etc....think about what YOU should look like. What do you want to bring to the table for this person? What does your "dream you" look like?"
I may be in a bleak season...but dream ahead? I can definitely do.
I stayed on that social media platform a little longer, then I found a blank notebook and got to work thinking.
What did dream me look like? What was she interested in? What did she do in her spare time? What were her goals? What was she really passionate about, and what were things she thought were important but actually were not serving her...not her husband, not her kids...but HER...any longer?
I sat down writing for several hours. I made a plan. I made goals. I made dreams. My hands hurt from holding the pen so long.
My heart is still heavy, but my thoughts are a little more optimistic. I may have to deal with the consequences of letting the wrong people in my life this year for the next several months...possibly the next several years, but I have to remember that nothing lasts forever. This pain, this heaviness in my heart, this sadness that has seeped deep into my soul....it's a part of me(depression, anyone?) but it's not ME. It's not my identity. It's a part of me, it doesn't define me.
I feel like I'm grieving several things.
But...I also feel like out of this grief, growth is coming. I don't see it at all yet...but I know its coming. I just have to sit with my heavy heart until it doesn't feel so heavy anymore. I have to be more careful about who I let into this season. I have to move forward somehow, even though I feel like a sloth moving in quicksand.
My heart is heavy but not entirely broken under the weight.
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