I don't know how or why it's happened, but lately, I've been feeling a bit discouraged. I can't seem to go at my work for school with the same "oomph" that I had before, I'm almost certain I'm failing my first English class(not exactly great when I'm a communications major!). I've been sort of fudging my work up until now, doing late-night cram sessions to get what's required of me completed but never really allowing any of it to sink in, take notes or do anything that would be considered actual learning. If either of my classes did a pop-quiz on what we learned thus far, I'm almost certain I'd fail. No, that "almost" wasn't really necessary. I don't know what's going on with me lately! I used to enjoy it, but now I borderline get a panic attack whenever I enter the classroom. I started taking naps before I do my classwork, so I could stay later to finish it all up. Now, I'm taking naps to avoid doing the work at all. And I'm so mad at myself…I prayed and prayed for so long to have this chance…and here I am, throwing it away, in the first semester. I don't understand what I expected it to be like, and I really thought passing my first set of classes would show I was ready for this…and I do want my degree, really I do! But I guess I'm allowing a lot more other things to get in the way again... such as other sorrows and disappointments. That really has nothing to do with school.
One of my friends on Facebook recently separated from her husband. The woman was practically a saint in my eyes (not that she set out to be a saint in anyone's eyes or anything; I just admired her commitment to her family). She was very dedicated to her children, she stayed at home, and she had a military husband. But, she left because he threatened to kill her. He had multiple affairs. While I understand her position, and I support her decision…I don't like who she has become since then. She basically parties every weekend, I hardly hear mention of her kids on Facebook anymore…it's just "me, me, me". What does this have to do with me? Well, I see her (on Facebook) and I get a little jealous. How come I couldn't be that woman? How come I can't be that woman? I want to party and get drunk! I want to have several potential men to consider once I'm ready to heal past my hurts. She is so full of life, and that's why I love her, but…now her postings are making me re-evaluate everything. I comment sometimes out of fun. One of her friends actually friended me. It's all fun and games (and the occasional "bitter because ex husband sucks") on her page. And a part of me wants to unfriend her, because I don't like what I see anymore. But, I figure, she's just getting stuff out of her system. She was married very young, never really had time to party and be a wild young adult. I guess I understand that.
But what about me? I mean, a part of me wants sooo badly to for just once go out to a club and be someone else. Wear questionable clothes. Dance with other people aside from my kids, or all by myself as I do the dishes and listen to country music on the radio. Not that I can actually dance or anything…honestly, I can't. But I would like the chance to laugh it off with friends in the club. I want to get sloppy drunk…soo drunk I regret it the next day. I want to think thoughts and do things other than the stereotypical mom thing. Wash, clean, school, homeschool, church, pray, sing, eat…repeat. However, unlike her, I do not have some person I can just say, "Watch my kids so I can go and have some adult fun!" People have offered in the past to watch my kids "whenever I need a break…just let them know!*cue smiley face*" like, fucking A, I'm a single mom, I ALWAYS NEED A FUCKING BREAK. Shouldn't everyone know that?!One mother is attempting to do the work of two parents…doesn't that sort of scream, "Give this woman a break"?! Don't mention watching my kids in passing; just TELL me you're watching my kids one day. I'll argue, I'll say, "I couldn't do that to you!"…but in the end, I will probably kiss you for doing so. I would NEVER intentionally ask for a break, because I feel like, I made my (single mom) bed, so I have to lie in it, too. Yes, I could have easily stayed with the children's fathers and had the "support" that supposedly comes with it, but I chose not to. Either way, I'd feel stuck. I wouldn't be able to party.
At the same time, I know myself well enough to know…I could never be that woman. Not that I'm holier than thou or anything, because I'm not! It's just I know my family history with drinking and "wildin' out" and I really don't want to go down that road. We have way too many drug addicts in my family to think it could be just a "co-incidence". It's practically in our bloodstream, as many in our family that have done it! Plus, the scars of my father's death are still fresh. He died of cancer to the liver. What helped spark that cancer? His I-don't-know-how-many-years of drinking. Plus, his how-many-cigarette's-did-he-smoke-in-a-day habit. I just…can't. It's still too raw.
Plus, I keep reminding myself…I choose this path. I choose to homeschool, leave the fathers of my children, have babies instead of simply "having a good time", and leave college when I had more than enough brains to complete it. God has brought me through the bad, and I'm at the point where I can see how far he's brought me. And I'm thankful, I'm so, so thankful God has allowed me to see past myself and my sins and put me in a place where I can proudly say, "I homeschool", "I'm a single mother", "I attend college".
But, of course, I'm in the midst of all this. I don't see the outcome; I simply see the here and now. And I see that there are people who are living in "the ways of the world" and I can't help but look a little longingly at their life. No, I don't know if they'll become addicted to drugs, develop a cancer later on in life, or simply get to their thirties and be perfectly okay and normal. Heck, I don't even know where I'll be at thirty (holy snot…that's only four more years away! *GULP*). I pray I'm better off than I am today, right now. Right now, I guess, I'm in a crossroads of some kind. I have to decide if I'm going to keep pressing on (not knowing the results) or stay put in predictability. Will I continue to wonder, "what if?" if I fail, will I give up, or will I keep going? Will I get my associates, and move onto my bachelors? Will I keep afloat long enough to finish the two classes I'm currently enrolled in? Will I trust that God has blessed me with this chance, to better my life, or am I running into a brick wall of "I should do this, no matter what"? Will I really have the life I keep seeing in my dreams, one where I'm able to be a SAHM to many, married to a wonderful man, on a farm, writing books to earn my keep? Or will I be pushing forward alone, for the rest of my life? Will I turn out to be the bitter old woman who is a "Debbie Downer" when everyone else's life is going great, or will I allow myself to completely trust that God has something greater for me, even though I don't see so much as a hint of it right now? Will I, can I ever find a way to find a man who is my "happily ever after" man, or am I doomed to be the pay for the sins of my past, by being single forever? Can I do all that I hope to do, or am I no better than those before me, who gave up too soon to see the fruits of their labor?
I don't know. I have doubts, I have lost some faith. With each day that I don't see a hint of my dreams come to play, I walk a little bit farther away from the Lord. I know this is wrong. I know I should be clinging to him, trusting him instead. I know this distance I feel in my life is from me walking away, not from God walking away from me. I know all this uncertainty (or at least a great deal of it) would go away if I simply, completely trusted him and his plan for my life. I should be at the point in my faith walk that I can move mountains. But often days, I feel like I'm barely blowing sand.
I feel lonely, I feel like I'm walking in circles in vain. And I keep hearing, "oh, well, if you would just love up on God more, you wouldn't feel so lonely (without a husband)." Guess who says such lofty things? Idiots who are already married! Do they have ANY idea how long I have sought God with all of my heart, abandoned many times over the notion of looking for love, had faith beyond what I thought I ever could, tried to(fast, pray, read the Word, attend church, etc.) give my all to God, and still felt this way?! I have come to the conclusion that God does NOT put such feelings in people to torture them. He puts them in there in the same sort of way he had a longing in his own heart when he created man, "it is not good for man to live alone". He created us to have a deep down, pressing need for love. First, it was for him, but once we have that, we have the need to show (in our best effort) that love to others. Some are single, and are meant to be single. But, if I were meant to be single, I don't think I would continually have this deep within my soul longing for a husband, for additional family (children). I have prayed many times for him to take it away. He has not. I don't know if it's a punishment for having sex outside of what he intended, but I seriously doubt it. The God the New Testament points to shows a more loving God, a more forgiving God. I hate to think he would be as bitter as humans are when it comes to past transgressions…I prefer to think that he has placed this longing in my heart because he intends to fill it, with the right person. No, a person in any form cannot replace the love of the Creator. But he/she can enhance it. I would hate to think God has allowed me to go so far, only to be the only one to see the amazing view. I long for companionship, I long for…
I long for acceptance, for love. I long for someone to relate to on a soul level. I long for someone to love me, flaws and all. And not walk away when I tell them to go.
In all honesty, do I want the life my friend is living? No. I don't want to be at the club, drinking, partying like there is no tomorrow. I can't dance, and I'm almost certain I'd be a horrible drunk. I don't want to be the loser that never finishes school. I don't want to be the person who ends up hating God and questioning the years. I don't want to be the person who slowly goes insane because of her refusal to give up on pointless notions. I see who I am today, and I HATE it. I don't want to be the same person I am today a year from now. I want to be so totally different that no one will ever believe it when I say, "that was once me…" Will I get to that point? I don't know. Will I try my best to avoid it?
Only God will know.
But, for now, I have to move beyond my doubts and actually try somehow to get something done for school. If I don't bunker down and TRY, I know then today will be the day I fail. I'm going to try. I'm going to try.
I'm getting a panicky feeling inside....and a little nauseous. But…I'm going…to…try.