Tuesday, January 29, 2013

What on earth is a PB? Is Jenn in L-O-V-E?

Well, I’m sure you all were on the edge of your seat, waiting for another blog post. You couldn’t sleep at night, you talked to your therapist over it, it drove a wedge between you and your spouse.
No? You mean…you mean you actually slept that one time over Thanksgiving? For shame!
Okay, jokes aside, I’ve got some great news. Well, several things really. But some I have to leave for another blog entry. I know I know…I’m a woman of mystery, what can I say? Call me the Carmen Sandiego of the mama world *wink*.
After tinkering around all summer/autumn, trying to find my own way around the world of real foods and the dreaded “E” word…I’m proud to say, I’ve finally lost some weight!
That’s right…this mama has, as of today, managed to lose 15 pounds over the past two months!
*cue happy dance*
Okay. But, y’all know me. I don’t just stop at just one revelation after not writing in so long, oh nooo. I have to keep you riding that happy dance joy train until I can’t hold it myself anymore.
The second thing…you will have to wait until spring (but no later than summer) to have spelled out for you.
But, I will say, it involves….potatoes.
While you’re sitting there, questioning my sanity (admit it- you’ve done it at least once!), I’m going to reveal to you something totally awesome. It’s something that even I wasn’t sure about. Something…
Or should I say someone
That God put in my path. If you’ve noticed my Facebook page at all within the past few days, you would notice I’ve made a few goofy references to this…someone…a few times. But, because your head is reeling in confusion, I will give you the background story. Because I know deep down inside, y’all totally love my stories.  
Okay, so…about a year and a half ago, I was checking singles websites because…well, I’m single. And I was bored.
Anyways, I came across one profile, about a man who recently came back to Christ and was in the midst of a divorce. He was a single dad with two kids. He said on the profile he wasn’t really looking for a relationship yet, but just to make some friends.
Okay, I said to myself, I can dig that. Everyone needs friends, right?
So, I searched for him on Facebook. And I found him on the first try.
Wow, that was easier than I thought…I thought to myself.
I friend requested him. Now, this guy didn’t know me from Adam, so I thought to mention that I found him on the said dating website and that if he was interested, I’d be his friend. I really didn’t expect a response back. After all, who does that? He probably thought I was some borderline stalker or psychopath or something.
I sort of hoped he would respond. I mean, he’s a single parent, I’m a single parent. Single parents need friends! But, as with most things, I just put the vibes out there, and waited to see if they’d come back to me or not.
Well, he accepted my friend request!
We became friends on Facebook. For several weeks, we just talked on Facebook. We vented to one another, and tried to point each other back to God and his Word.
Alright, neither of us sounds like total psychopaths, I thought. Maybe I could…give him my phone number?
I gave him my number, while trying to sound all non-conspicuous about it.
I don’t like him. I told myself. I’m just being…friendly.
He called me two days later. It was the longest two days of my life.
When he did call me, the conversation went smoothly. It was like we picked up where we left off. We started to talk every few days, then almost every day. During these talks, we started flirting a little. Okay, let’s be honest- I started flirting a little. What?! I never said I wasn’t flirty!
Anywho, so…things suddenly got weird for both of us. We had a fight. I cried. I told him I never wanted to speak to him again. He respected that, and backed away. It went that way for several months. I thought waiting for him to call me was bad, but this was torture. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. There was a particular song that came on, that reminded me of him. Every time it came on, I cried.
This is so stupid! I thought. Why am I getting all bent out of shape over a guy I barely knew? He was just a friend, Jennafer! It’s not like you were dating or anything.  Why on earth does this hurt so bad? Why do I feel so awful? Why did I push him away?
I would do the dishes, and suddenly this overwhelming sense of guilt would come over me. I would be trying to sing a country love song, and would find myself crying by the end of it, because I started thinking about him. No matter how much I tried to suppress it or move beyond it, I couldn’t get him out of my head. Sometimes it was full force, sometimes it was a quiet longing in the back of my mind.
I did what any sensible woman would do- I asked everyone and their mama about what I should do. And everyone pretty much said the same thing-“if he’s just a friend,  then stop flirting and sending him mixed signals and just be his friend!”
Okay, okay. I got this. I can be…his…friend. I can do this. Lots of women have male friends that they don’t think about that way, right? Right!
Then, I prayed about it. Well, half prayed about, anyways. The prayers were mostly like, “please God, help me not to flirt, but to be his friend. If he still wants to be my friend, I mean. Forgive me for flirting with him.  Help him to forgive me and my flirtatious nature so that we can be friends again. Help get him out of my head so I can be his friend. Amen.”
I sent him another friend request on Facebook, with another message (an apology) and a line drawn in the sand. We can be friends, but we can’t flirt. Like, ever.
He accepted my apology. He apologized, too. We both sort of laughed it off, and went back to where we were. Friends.
It went on like this for quite some time. We knew our limits; we tried hard not to cross them. Sometimes, one of us would slip, and the other would gently redirect us back to line in the sand. After a few times of this, we went back to being good friends. Best friends, even.
The guilty feeling went away. I had him back! Yay! Yes, we were friends, but…maybe that’s all God wanted us to be.
But…that song came on still. Sometimes, I would post things on Facebook, hoping he would say something about it. We talked on the phone, and I would hold my breath when he answered, hoping he would pick up the phone the way he used to, saying, “Hey, beautiful!” Instead he now said what everyone else said, “Hey, Jen!” It somewhat bothered me I didn’t hold that place in his life anymore.
I didn’t say anything. After all, I asked for this. He never asked for more, so I assumed he didn’t want more, either. Life goes on.
The summer came once again. We sort of drifted apart a bit, him because of work, me because of school. We kept in touch, but barely.
Then, the inevitable happened. He…moved on. He got a girlfriend. I was happy for him as a friend. As a woman, though, I wanted to slap the taste out of this other woman’s mouth!
Finally, I reasoned with myself. I had no claim on him, he was my friend. He’s a great guy, and he deserved love, just like anyone else. I backed up, so he could have the time he needed to get to know this new woman and all that jazz. I was busy, anyways, taking the kids to the library, the park, and just about any place that had a free or low-cost activity going on. I was babysitting, I was active in church, I had stuff going on. No time on wondering what if and getting violent (in my head) with a woman I’ve never met.
Of course, we all know what happened next. That’s right…the potentially something wonderful that ended up becoming the potentially something stupid and not worth the energy I spent on it in three weeks or less.
Shortly after that nonsense, I texted him to hear about how happy people fall into happy relationships and try to be an, “I’m soo happy for you!” friend. Yes, I still wanted to slap the said woman. But, I was still in his life, and that was more than I deserved. The song still came on, and I still got a little sad upon hearing it; but I wasn’t his “Hey Beautiful!” anymore. Someone else took the opportunity.
Summer was coming to a close, and suddenly, I was receiving text and calls from him a bit more, for advice. His relationship was turning sour, and he needed some help on making it right. I tried being a good friend, by offering him advice from a woman’s perspective, “well, if I were her, I’d like…”
His relationship ended anyways. So, for the next few weeks, we were wallowing together in our failed attempts at love. We laughed it off, and the friendship went back to the way things were before. He didn’t call me beautiful, but he called me a great friend and I called him a great guy. We continued to encourage each other in Godly love.
But…that song still came on. It wasn’t as often, but it still came on. It still stirred up feelings I thought I shouldn’t be having. We were friends, great ones at that. However, the rejection I felt from the potentially something wonderful becoming potentially something stupid made me not want to go through anything again. My life was full; I had my kids, my God, and my health. I was going to school full time, and doing well. I had great friends, neighbors, and community.
Christmas season came, and so did the reminder of the New Year. I took time to thank God for all that He’s provided my family, while asking for wisdom and boldness to act out the plans He may have for my family in the upcoming year. As I prayed, I felt prompted to ask God to know. The feelings I had, were they me hoping for something I shouldn’t have? Or were they…something more? I asked for a sign. As the New Year came and went, I continued to pray about the matter. I heard silence. Weeks went by, and I started to wonder if maybe the silence meant “No.”.
Then, we had an abnormally warm Saturday. I had some errands to run, and the kids were antsy. They wanted to go to the playground. So, after the errands, we took the bus to go to the playground. No sooner did we go to the playground, my son said he had to go to the bathroom. The bathroom in the playground was closed, so we had to walk down to the gas station. In order to get there, we had to pass through an auto body shop’s parking lot. There was a huge industrial sized dumpster in our path that we had to walk around. As we approached it, I noticed some graffiti on it. Just some teenybops being stupid, I thought. But as we got closer, I noticed something. The dumpster didn’t have just any graffiti on it, it had his name on it. Not just a signature, but the words, “I love Aaron!” on it. Not just once, but all over the dumpster, completely covering the dumpster in love declarations.
I got goose bumps. I call goose bumps “God nudges” because most of the time when I get them (and I’m not cold), it means I’m onto something God is trying to tell me. And guess what?
I wasn’t the least bit cold.
The kids called me to hurry up. As I walked past it, I knew I had my sign. My amusing and weird sign, but my sign never the less. Amusing and weird, for an amusing and weird mama like me. Seems legit.
I told my BMF about it. She said the only thing to do was to just tell him. I was scared. Yes, we flirted awhile back, but…that doesn’t mean he had feelings for me. I was afraid of the rejection, of possibly losing another person in my life by trying to take it to another level. I recalled the months we didn’t speak, and I didn’t want a repeat of that. That hurt too much. She kept prompting me to just say it.
So, I said it. In a hypothetical, “what would you do if some chaotic woman said she saw a sign that involves you, prayer, a dumpster, and some graffiti? Would you continue speaking to her, even if you weren’t interested?” sort of way. When he finally gave me his answer, he asked, “So, who is this guy, anyways?”
I took a deep breath, and spilled the beans. I waited for his response. There was an awkward silence. He finally said he was going to need to pray about it. Although I was hoping for an answer right then and then, I respected his decision. Of course he should pray about it. We’re Christians, and that’s what Christians do, right? Duh, me.
A few (long, agonizing) days later, he gave me his answer.
He said yes! He wanted to court me! Then we were both spilling the beans about how we felt. I wasn’t the only one feeling this way! He cared for me, too! Added bonus- he wasn’t ashamed of my hair! *wink*
I’m so ecstatic to know that he loves me for who I am; first as a friend, now as something more. He knows my udderly chaotic life: no having to tone down or pretend I’m not an accident prone, big dreaming, slightly hippie, real foods lovin’, bookworm hording, ‘fro wearing, homeschooling mama.
Do I know for sure what the future holds between us? No.
All I can do is hope, pray, and trust God knows what he’s doing.
Oh, and dream he’ll be become a part of our Chaotic little family. Maybe he’ll even write a blog post or two…if I let him *wink*wink*
Until Next Time,
What, you didn’t think I was going to end without telling you what you wanted to hear, did you??
PB is my term of endearment for him, and it means….
Papa Bear.
You’re welcome. Now, go get some sleep, you haven’t had any since Thanksgiving! Sheesh!
You still can’t sleep, huh? Alright, since you must know…here’s the song I kept mentioning that reminds me of him. Again, you’re welcome. Oh, and your head is dropping on your keyboard again…and is that snoring I hear?! (O.o)

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