Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Trying To Make It....

Greetings, everyone!
I'm sure that last post left you a bit dizzy, didn't it? Well, don't worry- although I tried, the Amish here said(in their very gentle sort-of way) that I probably couldn't make it Amish. I'm pretty sure it's because of my inability to follow orders and march to the beat of my own accordion. Or maybe it  was all the times I blasted country music while driving to church(?) Or maybe it was the fact that I know nothing of how to take care of a horse. Regardless of their reasoning, it doesn't look like I could make it, after all. It hurt that they didn't even give me the opportunity to jump fully in and at least try, but again...maybe this is all for the best. But even in this, I was blessed. They(and others in this community) have shown me what real Godly love for your neighbor is. If I haven't said it before, I'll say it now- this place brings tears to my eyes and awe in the way brotherly love is shown to a person when they're down. It takes my breath away, how kind the Amish, Mennonite, and just plain ol' small town people have been to our family. I praise God for their love and kindness every day. Who but God could have brought us to such a place, with such loving people?
For those of you not familiar with my personal Facebook page, I have since had the opportunity to attend what's called some here call a  "Beachy Amish/Conservative Mennonite" church. While I'm still trying to get the names them all, I can see God's love shining through each and every face whenever I walk through the doors. These people don't tell the world they're Christians, they show it, in their own way, in everything they do. And not in a, "I'm closer to God than you are!" or a "I'm a better Christian than you are!" sort of way, but a quiet way that could bring even the most wayward person suddenly want to know more of their God, and what he's done in their lives. They're not perfect, but they are what I'd consider the role model of what most churches should look like- adhering to the God and his Word in just about everything they do and every choice they make. If anything, the way they live their lives has made me reflect even more of how I can put God more into mine.
I still don't have a permanent housing situation, yet. However, I am trying to find one, and the church is trying to help me as well as best they can. I was also surprised when my stepmother presented me with another offer of help as well. So, at least there are options.
I do have a job, working part-time as a cook. This is one area I'm probably struggling(internally) in the most. While I had prayed for a job for so long, and the people I work with are really the best group I've ever had to work with...the more I work, the more I feel frustrated, angry, and somewhat depressed. Does every mom that works outside the home experience this?
The truth is...I miss my children. While we still homeschool, it seems as though a lot more of our time together before and after work involves a lot of correcting, and not as much loving. I spend more time un-doing and discerning all the "Children's television" they watch than just enjoying them. Nearly all of my paycheck goes to another woman, who is paid to do less than what I did with them on much less of an amount. Don't get me wrong, she's a nice woman and in all honesty, she is probably doing them a service compared to some other babysitters, but....
I still miss my children.I wrestle everyday with them, myself, the job. As thankful as I am to count myself among the working, another part of me wants nothing more than to return to being a stay-at-home mom.
These are my current hurdles. I'm trying...but I'm still not "settled" yet.
-Mama Jenn

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