Raw

I had intentionally delayed writing this post for some time. I tried very hard to tell it all in a humorous way. But it was still too fresh a pain. So I put it off for a bit until I knew I could write it without crying.  Forgive me if it sounds random or bitter, m'kay?

The man I mentioned in the past two entries has decided for reasons that my heart will not understand to terminate potential anything’s going on between us. I wish I could have enough respect for him to continue calling him “the Gentleman”, but over the past week he has proven to me that he doesn’t deserve such a title.

I’m not saying that because I’m bitter or angry over the situation. I had full intentions on continuing to call him by that name. No matter how hurt or angry I was, I really did think he was a gentleman. That is, until I saw a side of him I never expected to see. And, of course, it wasn’t until my heart stopped having mushy feelings for him that it all made sense.

I won’t get into all the nitty-gritty details of it, but even when he had cut ties with me, even when he had the opportunity to tell the truth, he had instead opted to lie to me. After taking a few days to ponder it all, I finally saw what I didn’t want to admit. What I hoped was not true. He had lied to me.

I thought I had made it clear to him that no matter what, NEVER EVER lie to me. I don’t care if you’re doing it because you’re afraid you’ll hurt my feelings. I don’t care if he did it with the intentions of still wanting to remain on good terms. He lied to me, and if anyone who knows my past well enough knows I have zero tolerance for liars.

And for whatever reasons, he did it anyways. Granted, it was in small ways that wouldn’t normally amount to anything. But, I have found, if people lie about the small things, then they are more likely to lie about the big things. With each lie comes the lack of concern for those involved, and truth becomes too harsh a reality to accept.

You see, in my past, I have had several long-term relationships with liars. You would think after dealing with so many, I’d spot one a mile away. And normally, I do. But because I had become friends with this man long before I had hoped for anything romantic, I had let down my guard. Shame on me for doing so.  

I have always told him and anyone else who I’m close with (friends, relatives, etc.)…don’t lie to me. I don’t care how angry or upset you think I might be with the truth. I probably will be angry, but I will respect you a thousand times more because you cared enough to tell me the truth. I will AlWAYS  forgive the truth, but I become bitter with lies. Dealing with a liar makes me see red. And seeing red is not exactly something you want me to do, especially if you fully intend or hope to remain in my life or the life of my family. And whether you care to accept it or not, all my friends I consider a part of my family.

I won’t tell my life’s story here, but when it comes to romantic relationships, I have pretty much had a taste of all the things that can go wrong- Emotional/sexual/physical abuse, incarcerations, drug addictions, etc. And I tend to think of myself as a very tolerant person, even when it comes to abuses made to me. That’s not to say I don’t go looking for such abuses, I just mean that when I was involved in such relationships, I could take quite a few blows in any given department before I walk away. I guess that’s just the part of me that always tends to hope and look for the best in people.

However, the one that hurts the most is under emotional abuse…lying. While all of them hurt and take years of undoing, dealing with notorious liars haunts me longer than the others. I guess because all the other abuses center on lying in some way or another. Sexual abuse affects the body, and the parts mentioned can recuperate, but it’s the lies we tell ourselves while undergoing it that make it hard to move past. Physical abuse may bruise the body, and the wounds will eventually heal; but it’s the lies of “I’ll never do it again” that make it hard to accept it for what it is. Drug addictions from those we love can be forgiven, but it’s the betrayal, the lying and stealing that often accompanies it that makes us lose trust in a recovering addict. And don’t even get me started on the jail issue.

A man that lies is a man that reminds me all too well of my past. And I have worked too damn hard to move beyond my past to have it slap me in the face once again.

Yes, the man mentioned broke up with me. And yes, it hurt. I blamed myself many times. Up until a few days ago, I didn’t dare say any of it was his fault(lack of communication) because I really didn’t think it was(maybe I was asking for too much too soon?), and I didn’t want to sound bitter. I cared enough about him as a friend and person that I didn’t want to ruin that because of my mistakes. I respected his unspoken desire for privacy and never mentioned his name. Only a small circle of people know his real name, and that’s only because I know they don’t know him or don’t talk to him.

But, after seeing him lie to me, not once, but many times before and after breaking up with me, I have lost all respect for him. I know he didn’t know it, but he brought me to a place in my heart and mind that I hadn’t been to in years.

I went back to my raw place. I trusted him long before I liked him. Whether he wanted it or not, for a brief moment he had a place in my heart. He had long had it as a friend, but he suddenly took up more space in there as a beau. And now that he has not only broken up with me but has also lied to me…that space I had in my heart for him is raw, vacant. All the pleasant memories gone. All the sweet gestures and good times we shared are now pushed back in the closet of my mind. He is no longer the friend I thought he was. He is no longer the man he presented himself to be.

The worst part is I haven’t had a raw state in my heart for years. When I did, I wasn’t living my faith. I didn’t have God; I didn’t know he could fill those spaces. I had instead filled the raw places with bitterness, anger, sadness and sex.

I’ve tried hard over this short time to not go to that place. To fill the space left in my heart with such things. And I will admit I haven’t done a very good job of it. All but one I haven’t allowed.

I can forgive the fact that we didn’t work out. And it’s going to be really hard, but I will eventually forgive the fact that I not only lost a potential something, but what I thought was a great friend.  But the lying is something I’m going to need God’s help with forgiving, because I won’t forgive it on my own. Right now, the scars of it all are too fresh. And until God can mend up the raw and vacant places in my heart, I don’t know if I can forgive him completely.

I never really expected this to come from him. Because he was so different than what I’ve dealt with, I held him to a much higher standard. I didn’t expect him to be perfect, because I know we all fall short. But, considering what he has told me about his past, I though he would have learned from that experience not to do what was done to him. Just as I’ve discovered that I’m not as far beyond my past as I thought, I see now that neither is he. We both have some learning to do. But because of his lying, there is no chance of us ever attempting to move forward together. He has burned bridges I don’t think he realizes he has set fire to.

Also, I simply can’t trust myself to fall in love or hope for something of the sort. A lot of people think that when you lose trust, you often lose it in others. The truth is that you do to some degree; however you often lose it more in yourself. You doubt your ability to have a sense of normal in that area, because your version of normal was twisted and skewed. You’re suddenly not sure of that feeling in your gut telling you something is right and wrong. You wonder if you even know what real love looks like, feels like. And that’s the worst feeling of all.

So, I’m going to intentionally stop hoping and trying to find someone. I know myself well enough to know I don’t think I can handle another possible betrayal. I don’t want to become bitter towards all men because of the mistakes of a few idiots I allowed into my life. Everything inside of me craves intimacy and God-inspired love in the right form. But I just can’t have it now. I can’t trust that voice inside of me that desperately wants the love only a man can bring. I just can’t do it.

Yes, I’m raw, but I’m not broken. Not yet, anyways. I pray with everything within me that I never become broken beyond what God has already brought me through. Do I want to test the depths of that? No. So, I am taking this time to go into a corner, lick my wounds, and mend. And I’m not going to put myself in a position to return to my raw place. It hurts too much. It takes too much out of me. As a friend of mine reminded me, romantic love is nice, but my kids always come first. Allowing me to be in this position takes away energy, time, and places in my heart and mind from my kids. And while the world may disappoint me many times over, two things will always remain- God and my kids.

And raw places that will eventually heal.

Until next time,

Jennafer

Why I really hate/love Disney Movies

I don't why I continue to watch Disney movies. Especially Disney princess movies. They always give me a hope I know I probably shouldn't hold my breath for. I love the sappiness, how none of the main characters in the beginning love each other, and how they can't see they complete each other. I love how something magical happens in the middle, where they see a spark in each other's eyes that they never noticed before. I love how they always have a misunderstanding, where all hope is crushed, only for it to be a false alarm, and somehow(semi) totally unexpected, they meet up and confess their love to each other and live happily every after.
*sigh* I love Disney movies for that. They are predictable, but never the less, they still tug at my heart strings. I almost always cry at the end of a Disney movie. Well, Disney movies involving love. And they nearly all do.

But, at the same time, I dislike Disney movies for that. I think they give girls and women a hope that someday, someway, an unbelievably handsome fellow will take interest in us, see our true worth, see that twinkle that they didn't notice before shining in our eyes. They won't notice our acne scars, our saggy boobs, our disheveled hair that looks like Ronald McDonald's little sister who put her finger in a socket before leaving the house, our love handles, our cankles, or the three children begging for our attention just as they are trying to lean in for a kiss. They won't care about the fact that we're so below them in socioeconomic status, that we should probably be on their payroll instead of in their arms. No, real men don't care about such things, Disney movies says, because all that matters is what's in your heart. Or what perils await you. Together, of course.
And yet, here I am, watching Disney movies with my three babies, crying like a baby when they almost lose each other, only to find each other once again, and live happily ever after.Here I am with no one to snuggle up to *in that sort of way*, kissing me and looking into my eyes and seeing something that they never noticed before.

I hate Disney movies.

But at the same time, I love Disney movies. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are plenty of women out there that didn't need some evil stepmother/man lurking in the shadows doing illegal things to them against their will, in order to meet their "happily ever after man". I'm sure there are women out there who have men, great men, who they feel they don't deserve. That overlooks what others may see with the naked eye and can really see the princess or special(as in, not retarded special but "I think you're that special love of my life" kind of special) woman that they are. Maybe everyday they wake up and feel like they've won the lottery everyday, simply because they have their "happily ever after man". Or maybe most days. I really don't know.

Disney movies give me a hope of something greater. That, yes, there may be a "happily ever after man" out there for me, and if I work hard enough, dream big enough, hope against all odds, I will find him. Or he will find me. And we won't even know at first we're meant to be.
But, I've watched Disney movies for twenty years now. I know how every plot goes. And whether it was due to my lack of better judgement on wannabe prince charmings, or simply inexperience in the ways of the world, I'm not sure if I will ever have that once in a lifetime encounter. I'm not sure if I'll ever meet that "happily ever after man". I'm a mother of three, I've got saggy boobs, hair that looks like it's competing with a clown, I'm broke as a joke, acne scars, cankles, hate handles(who the heck loves having enough fat on their sides that someone could easily grab hold of with inducing too much pain? Uhhh..no one, thank-you-very-much!), and I'm almost certain I love food more than the ability to breathe. Okay, maybe...no, I really do.
 And while I like to think I'm a semi-good cook and baker, truth be told, I have a long way to go.

Oh, but I have heart! I've got hope against all odds! I have a twinkle in my eye...you may not see it until I've had coffee, and even then you still may not see it underneath the dark circles surrounding my eyes,but...gosh darn it, I'm sure it's there!!
And I have little mythical creatures(er...I mean, married friends) telling me, "Don't give up hope! You'll meet him when you least expect it! You'll see! You won't be looking, and he'll be right in front of you!". Why do people in relationships always say such crap? Maybe they watch too many Disney movies as well.
But yet, as I look for what options are available to me, I can't help but think,"is THIS all?!" What happened to handsome? What happened to charming? What happened to proper spelling in instant messages, and not expecting sex until marriage?! *sigh*
I watch Disney movies because they remind me that part of it has to do with me. Just like the female characters, I have to break out of the mold that everyone assumes I fit so nicely. I have do something daring. Go against what's expected of me, and leave the rest to fate. Or farting fireflies.
And despite the fact that these women have a waistline the size of one of my cankles, I know that maybe, just maybe, if I start to look the part...someone completely and totally amazing will take notice. Not that "happily ever after men" are concerned about size or anything, because I'm sure they will love you just as you are.  But the going trend in Disney movies says you must make some sort of effort on your figure...or your hair. And since I'm rather fond of my wild tresses, but not as fond of my stretch marks...the body's gotta go. Sorry, Fat Chicka Motorcycle Gang Members, but I really can't keep my membership any longer. It's killer on my (non-existent) love life.
And, I am working hard...well, mentally, at least. I'm attending online classes to complete my degree. I'm homeschooling my kids. Maybe I should hire birds to clean my house?? No, that can't be right. Oh, maybe I need to make more effort into cleaning and being a "domesticated woman". Because the newer princesses know how to hold down the house. Or the restaurant. Or the Chinese Emperor's Army. And they know how to cook for them all, too!
So...maybe Disney movies don't give us so much false hope after all. Maybe, just maybe, they tell us the overall message is to work hard, even if it means doing things that aren't expected of you. And maybe, just maybe...you'll find love when you least expect it. You'll find your "happily ever after man" sooner than you expected. And you won't even know it's him. Until he looks at you in a funny sort of way. At first, you might think it's gas...after all, the last time anyone looked at you in that sort of way, it was one of your kids, and yes, they had gas. But, then  you realize...there's a twinkle in his eye. He suddenly looks more handsome to you then you realized before.
Or maybe it really was just gas. And it wasn't his.
God bless the Disney movies, everyone!