Sunday, May 19, 2013

Moving and Other Random Thoughts and Emotions

The countdown begins. 95% of my packing done. Y'all know me, I wait until the very last minute for EVERYTHING*wink*.Yesterday was exhausting, both physically and emotionally. I got my blessings from the only blood relatives that I speak to- my sister and her family. Although few words were exchanged(my sister and I don't say much to each mostly a question, followed by an answer, followed by one of our many faces acknowledging we heard right or didn't approve of the answer/silently think the other sister is adopted/wonder why mom didn't beat us enough as children to knock some common sense into us,etc.), many emotions were felt.
 Today, it's going to be a lot more emotions. There are massive butterflies in my stomach. Every thought, a prayer. Every word, carefully chosen. Mixed emotions doesn't even begin to cover how I'm feeling right now. Reducing 8 years of my family's life to a Suburban is no laughing matter. Not knowing what's ahead is downright scary. I've never moved out of state before, and I've never drove with a car more loaded with stuff than this one *nervous laughter*.
 It's amazing how some can suddenly reveal their true selves when they have nothing to lose. For months, years even, you are a friend but when you're getting ready to physically need them, you're suddenly a stranger in their eyes. Months of soothing words and reassurance, gone and forgotten at the last moment.I won't call out names, but they know who they are. I want to be mad, I want to cry over the wrongs done, but honestly, "Ain't nobody got time for 'dat.". God has blessed "Three Plus Me" with real friends that I can point to and call FAMILY and know without a shadow of a doubt they'll be there for us. Not when it's convient for them, but all.the.time. They've been there for us through thick and thin.
This move may be crazy, this move may be senseless. There are many people that have voiced(and screamed and texted and...) their opinion about this move. I'm hoping and praying that God will prove them wrong. If he doesn't, then it is only I who looks the fool. Even if nothing comes out of this move and I return back to PA, I have to do this now. I've waited three years to do this, and regardless of the outcome, I don't want this to be one of those things I regret never doing later on in life. I have a lot of those as it is, I really don't want to add one more to the list.
But, the same thing happened when I said I felt God calling me to homeschool. I know, homeschool and a move across the country are two very different things, but both started out the same. The pattern in the beginning seems to be the same, as of right now. I'm risking everything. People have abandoned me. I am starting without a clue in the world and just enough money for the day(and possibly not even a full day, at that). The enemy is breathing down my neck, whispering, "You're too scared to do something so bold! You don't have the guts! You can't do this, you won't! You're making a big mistake!"
In truth, no, I can't do this. I'm not even going to pretend I can. In all honesty, I'm a spineless wimp who wants nothing more than what she's comfortable with, with what she knows. I would love to just say, "Ha! I was just kidding, I'm staying after all! I'm not going! I'm too scared, too afraid of being uncomfortable and not sure of the way, that's not for me! I'm staying my bum right here!"
But if this is God calling me to do this....then I have to at least try and go. It's going to be rough, there are many times I'll want to turn back, question if this is really his will, question my own sanity. I will probably break down and cry many times, thinking I was a fool, it was all in my head.  No, on my own, I can't do this, just like on my own I couldn't homeschool. It's impossible to do this bold a thing on my own. I can't, I won't.
I can't...but God can.
Although I don't know the outcome, God does.
Am I scared? Out of my wits. Am I afraid of failing flat on my face for the general public to see? No...well, people see me fall all the time, but not metaphorically.Okay, who am I kidding...EVERYONE sees me fall slat on my face literally and metaphorically.But, we'll just stick to metaphorically.  Metaphorically, yes.  Do I even have an inkling of what I'm doing? Nope. Could I have planned this better? Yes. Should I have waited for more money to do this? Probably, but I know myself well enough to know, if I don't at least try with what little money I have, I'll never make it.
Regardless, I've got to do this. I've got to at least try.
Hopefully, later today or tomorrow, I should have figured out how to upload videos from my phone onto Youtube. Anyone want to message me the instructions? No? Okay, I'll Youtube it. If I can't find it, I'll upload it on my personal page on Facebook. If I can't figure out how to link it someway to this blog, then I'll upload pictures of our journey. At least I know how to do that...
Don't think I've forgot about the other (not-so-life altering) changes. I have confirmed the two new writers to Udder Chaos, and we should be starting sometime late Summer-Early Fall. As soon we all settle our crazy herds of children from the chaos that is Summer, we will group together and brainstorm some post ideas. If you have any suggestions for the "Chaotic Three", we will be more than happy to post our view on it.
Anyways, I'd better get going. Today is the day.
Until Next Time,

Mama Jenn

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