I had been thinking some about technology and myself lately. At the same time, I have been thinking about myself, my children, my husband, and God lately.
And yes, I have been thinking of my Chaotics lately, too.
For some time, I've said I would be reducing/eliminating/reducing my time on Facebook. And several people have said, no, don't, we love/like/really appreciate all that you post on Facebook. Don't go!
And I have seen them, and started to feel bad. The people pleaser in me wants so badly to say, "Just kidding! I'll stay on, but I'll just be more disciplined with my time!". I hate to be the person that rains on a person's parade.
At the same time...I have been feeling led to read more and work more on myself and my children lately. I'm sure some of you have seen the many postings I've made on there with the hashtag #revival or #revivalstartswithme .
I've been praying(and re-praying, and praying some more) about this.
If I'm being totally honest with myself, I do NOT want to go. I would love to think of myself as most of you can in regards to Facebook, you super humans who can go on once a week, or even once a day for an hour or so and then get off and keep moving.
But, even now, with all my hashtags and Bible reading...Facebook for me is still a problem. Yes, Facebook has allowed me to find some really great people that I'd probably NEVER encounter in my day-to-day interactions. It has helped me to find my political grounding, it has shown me that there are people out there that are like me at times when I felt like a the only person that believed something. Facebook has given me countless recipes to try, has made me laugh my bum off more times than I can count, and has helped become the bridge to connect myself and my children to the people we love and miss so much back home and in our second home. Facebook even helped me find my husband!
BUT...at the same time, I have missed large chunks of MY life. Now, I am so absorbed(addicted?) to it. I am embarrassed to admit the many, many times my children have said to me, "mom...watch this! Mom? Mom? Are you paying attention?". The many other times they have asked me a question only to be met with silence because I was scrolling my news feed like a zombie, not paying attention to anything else around me. The times we've had a special moment that probably should of been between just us, but instead, I asked them to do it again so that "I can post it on Facebook.". The times my children see me taking a picture and sometimes excitedly, other times with sadness in their voices say, "are you going to put THAT on Facebook, Ma?". The times I felt I may have made my life TOO open, gave y'all a peek TOO personal into my family's life. The many times I feel like I'm exploiting my children's childhood all for the sake of a few of those blue little thumbs ups. The times my kids have said, "Mom! Get off Facebook! We're supposed to be having quality time together!". The times I've said my house was a mess and I didn't care because I was a MOM, and I was MOMING...but in actuality, I was just spending hours on Facebook. The times when my husband asks, "So, what did you do today?" and my mind is drawing a blank, not because I did what I was supposed to do, but because I went on Facebook thinking, "I'll just check that one status and get off" and hours later, I was writing yet another lengthy comment about my stance on something that had zero affect on my personal life/well being.
As I said in my original post(on Facebook), God(or maybe just my own soul that wants what's best for me?) has been prompting me and urging me for some time, you've gone too far. Get off. Stay off.
And, I do. Every once in awhile, I'd get off for a few days, either by necessity(couldn't pay the internet bill!), or by intentional choice. And after the first day, maybe two of having that feeling that I'm letting someone out there down, that a huge world event is going to happen and I'll miss it and die, etc....after one or two days, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I don't feel like every moment needs to be "updated" and "broadcast" to everyone, I actually have large chunks of time for...STUFF! And stuff I do-and lots of it! God gives me 24 hours, and on the days I'm not on, suddenly, those hours don't seem to wiz by with me questioning if I was "productive enough" that day. I go to bed TIRED, knowing I made the the most of each day.
I started removing myself and my family, little by little each day. Trying to not post as much. I saved all our videos and removed them. Each day, I take at least 100 photos, save them on our computer, and then remove them from Facebook. I don't want any reason to come back on after September 15. I don't want to be tempted, I don't want to fall back into giving the appearance of being present for my family, only to be absent when it really matters.
It's strange...since I decided this, I have FOUR other people say they're feeling led to remove themselves from Facebook. I don't know all their reasoning as to why. Nor do I know if they'll actually go through with it. Heck, I'm not even sure if I'll be 100% done doing all I need to do by September 15 on there.
But I do know one thing. As I continue to delete things on there, I get a sick feeling in my stomach. To me, that sick feeling means I'm doing something that others have asked me not to do, but I feel that God has told me to do. That sick feeling means I am stepping out of my comfort zone, and doing something life-changing. That sick feeling means that I'm letting go of one side of myself, and entering into something new. I may feel like I'm going to puke, but that feeling being there means that something great is about to happen.
I don't have that feeling often, because I'm one of those people that don't like change, or surprises.
I talk a big game about change, but honestly, I'm just like everyone else. It didn't make sense to anyone I spoke with about leaving home. No one could understand why I'd commit to marry a man I had never met face-to-face. No one was in the stall when I had to put my head between my legs(well, as best I could anyways...still working on that fat girl issue) at the airport's bathroom in order to keep from passing out. Big changes, stepping out of my nice little bubble and doing something that no one else understands or can relate to scares the stomach contents out of me! Yes, even something as simple as removing myself from Facebook! I hate change, I hate stepping out, I hate the unknown and unexpected!
But...BUT...I'm going to try. I'm going to do it as best I can.
Several people have asked me "what about ALL technology? Your blog, your cell phone, etc.?"
Well, at this time....I don't know for sure. Technology is my frenemy. I'm trying to take baby steps with all other forms and see how it goes. In regards to this blog, I really don't know. The number of readers has declined quite a bit since I got married. I do intend on downgrading my cell phone in order to just have one for emergencies only, while keeping a landline...but I'm still not 100% sure on that. The only thing I can say for sure is I'm trying to remove myself from Facebook, and taking it from there.