Thursday, June 2, 2016

Sometimes I Wish I Were a Stepford Robot-Real Talk Moment about Infertility

Greetings Chaotics,
Today, I may come across as crazy(although THAT would be nothing new), or to some women out there, I may appear completely sane.
Today, I'm going to talk about...babies.
And why, since I currently cannot have any, why sometimes....
I wish I were a Stepford Robot.
Okay, first off, I dont want to put myself in the group of women who want to have children but for things/ reasons beyond their control they cannot. I almost didn't say the Infertility word, because I feel like I'm sort of slapping those women in the face that actually ARE infertile beyond their control. But, I don't know what other word to call this. Unfertile(?) Unable(?)
Before I get started, I have to confess something.
Some of you may of followed me on social media and I may of danced around it but never actually admitted it. Others may of just assumed, while others still may have no clue. So, with a sad heart, I confess something I don't boast publically....
After my third child was born, my tubes tied. I did it for all the wrong reasons. I don't take pride in it, and never fully had. I was very ashamed to get it done, and since I met Aaron and felt God calling us to be more...I feel even worse.
I can't speak for everyone woman that's had this done. I can only speak for myself and how I feel on it.
Getting my tubes tied was something that was....more or less forced down my throat after child number two was born. I felt weird even back I was, a single mom, who loved having babies. Not because I wanted to be on welfare or use them as some sick pawn to keep a man. But simply because.....I freaking love babies. I could of cared less if the father stayed or not. I just love babies. I love being a mother to a baby, a toddler, a preschooler, an early elementary, a middle schooler....I love all the stages I've dealt with this far. I freaking love kids.
But, despite my love for babies, I had next to no means to provide for them. I didn't fully believe in God back then, so when people reminded me of the financial struggles I was going through, I didn't have faith to trust that a higher power would provide a way, or even hold onto hope that the father would stay around and provide. I just knew....I loved raising and growing babies. I was young and the people pleaser in me was strong.
So, when EVERYONE(I kid you not) was saying/suggesting and pleading/screaming with me to just get my tubes tied because it would be stupid of me to attempt to add more when I had zero dollars to support them....I complied. When my third child was born, and after the surgery, I cried.
But those around me nodded their heads in approval....then walked away.
For years, I felt so embarrassed. Even though I was far from conservative, much less a Christian, I felt incomplete. A half woman. I mean....aside from boobs, which even some men have, what separates us from men, if not only the ability to be pregnant and give birth? What man would willingly marry me, if I couldn't give him children? I felt like leftover, damaged goods.
I can't tell you the many times I cried over it....the many times I STILL cry over it. It hurts even more so that I'm now blessed with a wonderful husband that wants nothing more than to get me pregnant but can't because of a stupid decision I made to please no one that really mattered.
I go through this time every single month. Praying, begging God to do just ONE more miracle in my life. I confuse the signs that I'm about to get my monthly with that of being pregnant, and my heart thinks, maybe this is it! Maybe God HAS heard my prayer and will remove this guilt and shame I've had all this time! Maybe God is going to give us another blessing! 
But, of course, he doesn't, I get my monthly, and tears of anger at myself and the regret of a decision years ago just come flooding back for one hellish week every.single.month. I want so badly to get mad at God, but I know I can't. Regardless of the reasoning, I did this to myself. I was the one who agreed and signed on the dotted line.
And yes, I could and Lord willing one day will get them untied. But as I see our financial goals and all that we plan to accomplish in the next 5-7 years, it seems stupid/selfish of me to ask for $10,000 or more to fly to another part of the country and get it done. With no guarantee that I will get pregnant, as my age and time since getting it done may hinder their ability to even reverse it.
This yearning in my heart for more children is so strong, it hurts. Each time I get my monthly, I beg God, please, just take this overwhelming desire away. Let me be content with the three blessings you have given me, even while I didn't acknowledge you. Let me just accept it. Remove this pain of my decision and give me peace that my body will probably never bear more blessings.
But, for whatever reason, he doesn't. I don't always understand or even try to fully grasp God's ways, but dang it....this really hurts.
And every spring, it seems like....everything screams baby and new life. Someone is ALWAYS pregnant, someone is ALWAYS just having a baby. And while I am so, so, so happy that they are welcoming another blessing into their family....a part of me feels empty and just sad. I probably will never have that again. My husband and I will never know what it feels like to have  the whole process from conception to adulthood, together.  He has his, and I have mine, but we'll never have an "ours". We treat each other's children as our own, I am very grateful for that, but at the same time, we won't have that child or children that is part his and part mine biologically.....
That's why, at least in this regard, I wish I could be a Stepford Robot. I wish there was a chip I could remove from my a "desires baby" chip. I wish I could just go to a Stepford doctor and have it removed and just be programmed to be content and happy with just the children God gave us.
Anyone know a doctor that could do that? No?
I kid, of course.
But sometimes....I really wish it were that easy.
Anyone else have this struggle?

Blessings Until Next Time,
~Mama Jenn
P.S.-sorry for any potential grammar, etc. Issues in this post. I'm typing this using my tablet, which I don't usually publish on and it's hard to figure out how to correct things on here.

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