Today, the first thing that I felt I needed to write about was the word "hurry". After two years with two special needs undiagnosed children, "hurry" has been a frequent visitor to my vocabulary. The children were used to swinging from one chaos to the next, with adults only notifying them when it became obvious that things were changing.
When they moved here, that mentality and overall atmosphere/energy came with them. I never realized how rhythmic and yet predictable my family's days were until these two children came in.
We tried to give them routine, predictability...but at the expense of "hurry!" constantly coming out of my mouth.
Because they didn't receive coping skills via various therapies( or at least, the start of them) up until they came to live with us. it felt like a constant battle to get them to do the most basic things in a timely manner. When it came to appointments to be made, "hurry, hurry, hurry!" was always on my heart.
The past few days, my heart and body have felt in limbo. You can't switch off two years of "hurry!" like you do a light bulb. As a result, I'm finding myself saying out loud "SLOW DOWN!" and "What am I rushing for?!?". I have forgotten what it's like to wake up without my phone screaming at me to do so, without panicking that I didn't tell the stepkids to do XYZ yesterday which will mean we'll be behind on something today, without feeling like adrenaline is the first chemical to greet my bloodstream.
I'm no longer seeing my home as a jail sentence anymore, either. My children vocally made it known before they preferred to stay home during times when the stepkids would not be here. In my frantic state, I'd let them. It wasn't until they left, I found myself doing the same- just wanting to be home.
It's not because we're lazy- we're not. It's just...until the stepkids came, our home was our safe haven. The world wasn't always kind, but home...home was our place, our comfort, our loving kindness.
Yes, we go out, but doing so always meant doing something, and when the stepkids were here, "doing" was all day, every day. From the time they got up until their bodies forced them to sleep, they were "doing, going, talking, moving" without a pause. They were also right in my kid's face all the time, and my kids just needed moments to NOT do- and they weren't getting many. As a result, any time they had a chance to be in the loveliest of places, where quiet could be heard, and expectations to not do...they took it.
I would come home to a silent house and kids smiling- until the stepkids followed behind me. Then the smiles would leave their eyes, a fake "plastic" smile(if you've ever worked in customer service, you know what kind I'm referring to) put on, and a shrinking inside that only a mother can see. A shrinking inside I knew too well.
It's funny, really...I've been on support pages for stepmoms and the ones who felt like they have their crap together always tell us who feel as though we don't the same thing- don't let your stepkids/their biological mother interfere with your marriage/home/etc. If you don't let them rule your life, then they have no power to ruin your day/life/year/etc.
However...I'm a firm believer God put a...chemical? desire? hormone? urge? in all women to want to nurture anything that needs it. You don't see as many crazy cat men as you do women, right? Stepmoms see hurting children and feel an overwhelming urge to nurture them. To help kids that aren't theirs. Sometimes we know exactly what we're getting into; most times, we don't. We assume the best and give our best. But when the biological mother is dripping with chaos and toxicity(for whatever reasons), the stepchildren see you as a servant and not a parental figure; when court dates and orders are thrown in your face, and the man you married becomes a totally different person...you don't see that until you're chin deep in trying to bring some healthy, some nurture, some kind of expression of love and normalcy...into these kids. Kids that swing between "I want this," and "I want to go back with mom. I don't want to live here anymore."
I don't want anyone to dare think I don't love these kids. While I may be the first to admit I don't always like them(to be fair I don't always like anyone, all the time- they are no exception), I do love them deeply. I'm in no way trying to bad mouth/make fun/mock them, or their biological mother.
So why do I write these posts?
Because I want to tear down the stereotypes and stigma behind stepmother. I want stepmoms to know it's totally okay to feel these things. I
I don't understand how society will tell us, applaud us, when we walk away from an abusive relationship, but not when we distance ourselves from something almost as close(or worse than)-a toxic co-parenting situation and/or children who want nothing to do with us or use us to hash out all the hurt they experience because of a divorce they had no fault in.
People in abusive relationships will be told they did what was best for them, and people are so quick to give them help if they ask(as they should!). However, when it comes to stepmothering, we are disgraced for feeling anything less than "The Brady Bunch". We are told we are bad or wrong if things don't work out in the dynamic of a blended family. We have little resources and, unless we know another woman going through it, no advice is a blanket solution to our problems.
I didn't expect to have a high conflict woman involved in my everyday affairs. I didn't expect special needs children that weren't given any type of help/aid/therapy and were behind in several areas when we got them. I didn't know people could smile and seem perfectly sane one minute and be a total monster, neglecting their own flesh and blood the next.
I was told to "treat them like they're your own and you won't have any problems.", "as long as you put what's best for the children first, they'll thrive and you can co-parent peacefully!", and "these kids have been through a lot, so treat them with kid gloves."
Being a stepmom in a toxic co-parenting situation is a few steps shy(in my instance, in others it IS a full-on) an abusive relationship. You have someone dictating your every move. You can't plan an event without being made to feel horrible for doing or even thinking about it. You have someone constantly stalking you/your spouse on social media( or in real life). You have no free speech, as you have to watch and over analyze every single word, lest the stepkids report it back to their mother in hopes she can use it against your husband in court. Or someone else relays it back to their mother, fanning her flames of bitterness and resentment for your very existence in her children's/ex-husband's life.
When you crave time away from it all, you're made to be guilted for it, because "You signed up for this when you married a man with kids!". Sometimes, in some instances, the kids are truly crappy because of the blow life has dealt them but you can NEVER call them out on it because there will be others ready to tear you apart limb from limb for saying so. In some instances, there are even physical altercations between a stepmom and a biological mom/stepchildren(and I only wish I was kidding).
But we are made to feel bad. We are told it's our fault if we aren't getting the Brady Bunch scenario in our own homes.
Excuse my language, but...that is total and absolute bullshit.
That's why I'm writing these posts.
Because after two years of trying, I'm coming undone.
I have to undo everything that's happened, every emotion felt, every panicked thought that's crossed my mind, every word said.
I have to undo my stepmothering, so I can remember what NOT being a stepmom first and foremost feels like. And I need other stepmoms to know they're doing the same it's okay.
Until Next Time,
~Mama Jenn
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