Greetings, Chaotics!
I wrote a tiny series of posts on my thoughts and feelings as our family transitioned back from a family of 7 to a family of 5. This is the first entry.
May 25, 2018
Last night was our first night with no stepkids. All day yesterday, I wrestled with emotions. Are we really doing the right thing> Will we have two kid-like adults on our doorstep in 10 more years, manipulating us to let them live here because they can't find a job, can't afford college, and have victim-mentality scars because of all this? Is this a dream or a joke- will they come back at the end of summer and our home will feel like a prison again with three unruly wardens controlling our every move?
But, as the afternoon progressed, my mood shifted as I watched my own children. They kept asking "How much longer?" as though they were little kids with no internal knowledge of when Christmas was.
Except it wasn't a Christmas countdown- it was a countdown for when we'd all be free, and the stepkids would be back with their biological mother. For good.
I kept forgetting how much them(the stepkids) being here took a toll on them(my kids). Lord bless them.
As the time drew closer, I realized my own heart shifting from heavy to light. Happy, joyous songs came to my mind as I packed the stepkids bags. I didn't put their belongings in trash bags like their biological mother and grandmother did. Didn't they know what they conveyed by doing that? Treating them and their things like trash? They AREN'T trash! Despite everything their mother put us through, despite my current, shifting mood...they were still blessings, gifts from God. Maybe not gifts for me, or this household, but...still, gifts nonetheless.
I couldn't afford to buy them nice suitcases like I had wanted to, so I used what we did have- a bunch of Christmas and birthday gift bags I had in storage. On our way to drop them off, someone saw the kind of bags we carried(but unaware of the content), and loudly proclaimed, "Wow! I bet someone's going to feel awful special!!" I hope despite the circumstances, they understand for their seasons here they were, at least some of the time, a gift.
Now, they get to be their mother's gift Lord willing once and for all.
After I dropped them off and went to get celebratory donuts, I couldn't stop sighing deeper than I had in a long time and exhaling with a huge smile. "Ahhhh, we're FREE."
Last night, two things I hadn't thought of were now possible. As we started to get ready for family TV time, my son posed a question.
"Mom?"
"Hmm?"
"So if J and L(Stepkids) aren't here...do we have to go to bed by 9? Since it's summer?"
My mind reeled from that question. For two years, we had two special needs kids that needed a routine, a schedule. They needed 9-10 hours of sleep to catch up from the lack of sleep they got every other weekend going to their (non-routine) biological mother's house.
My kids and I...we don't do routines. We did it for them(the stepkids), but none of us actually thrived on it but the stepkids. We do certain things in a certain order...but in a routine, it's pretty rigid. It's pretty much a set time or else they couldn't move on.
With a rhythm(what my kids and I are used to), it gives the kids a guideline but without the rigid time restraints. And it's grace-filled and very flexible. You start at the top and if you don't finish the daily list, you start where you stopped at the previous day. My kids were raised to do this while ensuring at the least the basic functions were done(eating, bathing, etc.). However, my stepchildren were not. Without set time limits, we found out after many weeks of trying they would wake up, eat one meal, and do nothing on their own.
Anyways...with my son's question, the wheels turned in my head as the realization dawned on me.
"Well...no, I guess we don't have to," I replied after a long pause.
"Can we...watch TWO episodes tonight?" My son asked, his eyes growing wide at the potential.
"Well, crud. I guess I hadn't thought of that, either! I guess so. Why not? As long as you go to your room when we're done. You don't have to go to sleep, but you can have quiet time until you're tired."
Everyone got quiet.
"What?" I asked, freaked out but their uneasy quietness.
"Quiet time." My son said in a dreamy tone. "We can have...quiet."
With two stepchildren that have ADHD, my kids didn't get much quiet in their rooms. The stepchildren would mumble to themselves or talk to my kids even if they asked them not to until their bodies just crashed and went to sleep. My stepson, who shared a room with my son, was especially guilty of this. My son was going to sleep tonight without having my stepsons ramblings be the last thing he heard.
I don't know why, but I wanted to cry at his realization of this. He sounded so blissful...so awed, after two years, that he wouldn't be awake until the stepson's body thrust him and his nonstop mouth to sleep. He could sleep when he(my son) wanted to.
It was a quarter till eleven when we finished both episodes. The kids gave me their hugs and kisses and went to their rooms.
As I climbed into my own bed, I had realization number two. My door was closed and I was wearing pajama pants. I quickly set to change both, stripping off my pants and opening my door wide. I ran to the kids' room, this time with my own Christmas-like wonder.
"Hey, guys!!! You can leave your doors open and take off your pants! J and L aren't here!!!"
Another round of realization silence.
"I'm getting NAKED!!" my son joked.
"OHMYGAWSH, we really can go without pants!!" My oldest exclaimed.
Again...when we got the stepkids, I had to start closing my door. Because my stepson has a pornography addiction from before we received custody, I had to put strict guidelines about devices in place. Everyone returned their devices to my room every night. He had, on several occasions early on, sneak into my room at night if the door was left open and get a device to look at porn. After several times of this happening, I started closing(and then, after him STILL sneaking in, locking) my bedroom door at night. He eventually learned to pick my lock with a butter knife, so I also started propping something(usually a box) against my door. If he opened it, the noise of him tripping over the box would be loud enough to startle me awake.
Now I didn't have to worry about that!!!
The pants....well, it sort of tied into his pornography issue. We didn't want to tempt him with anything by exposing more skin than we had to. I know it's just legs...but still. Also, he and his sister would gawk and make us all feel extremely uncomfortable. Not because they don't practice nudity at their biological mother's house, but....because our skin is a different color. It's not meant to be racist, it was just...different to them. Because they weren't taught to stare, they stared. HARD. It was very awkward and uncomfortable for all four of us. So we just kept our doors closed and our pants on to avoid the whole ordeal.
You know how people say America's one of the freest countries in the world? Well, I've lived here all my life, but....having those three revelations last night, it really dawned on me.
We are truly free.
Until Next Time Chaotics,
~ Mama Jenn
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