Monday, July 25, 2016

Dieting Progress, Week 4

Greetings, Chaotics!

Last week, I mentioned how my unwelcome visitor decided to drop by, how I ran out of my beloved Garcinia Cambogia; and how I wasn't fully sure that between these two events if I'd be able to stay on course.

Well, I'm pleased to say I came out of the week not completely caving in. Usually, when my unwelcome visitor makes its arrival, it's usually the undoing of me diet-wise. My inner fat girl comes plowing through, like a locomotive on a mission and gosh-darn it the girl is HANGRY. She sticks around a few days, like a tornado, swallowing up everything that is edible, covered in chocolate, or salty. Then she departs and I'm left, like a tornado victim, crying for a few days but mostly trying to pick up the pieces of her destruction(usually chocolate bar wrappers that I discarded along the house as I secretly tried to eat it ever so carefully so the kids wouldn't hear it).

This round, however, it wasn't so bad. Yes, I did have one day where I just could NOT work out(I was downright weary, y'all), but overall, I mostly stayed under or about calorie budget for a week and forced myself to workout. I actually got upset at myself for not being able to workout on Wednesday, and I did try for about 10 minutes before shedding tears in frustration at how tired my body felt. I did not religiously adhere to my Slim Fast Plan every single day, but I did try to keep my portions as small as I could. I didn't stuff myself, I actually found myself still stopping sooner than usual because I felt like my body was saying, "okay, that's enough.".

But I did have a bit of an emotional moment that I wasn't planning on. On Wednesday, I was sitting at the table with my kids as they ate lunch. At this point, they are somewhat used to seeing me with just a glass of Slim Fast while they have something else, but every so often, one of them will try to say something or ask why I'm still just "drinking" my lunch. Anyway, Wednesday was just a bad day overall. The kids were eating a ham and cheese sandwich, and I wanted one SO. BAD. My oldest thought it wasn't fair I got "chocolate milk" for lunch(even though I've told her it doesn't taste much like real chocolate milk), and asked if she could try a sip in exchange for a bite of her sandwich. She kept taunting me, saying, "You know you want it!" and finally, I caved in and we swapped a bite for a sip. She wanted more, but it was that moment that I realized how much she has been making fun of my efforts to lose weight...not just today, but since I started. I closed my eyes and said something I had seen on a community board on Lose It!, "If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over again?" She just sort of snickered and said, "Mom, just have a sandwich, it's JUST a sandwich!" I don't know why, but I sort of snapped. I looked her square in the eye and said, "Solstice, my mother died when I was 13. She was 49. My dad died when I was 22, he was 58. I am not doing this just to be skinny. This isn't something I'm doing just to torture myself. I just turned 30, and I really don't want to think of my life as, according to family genetics, as half way over. I'd really like to outlive my parents and be able to see you guys grow up and see my grandchildren.I would like to see you past the age of 14 if I can help it so just KNOCK IT OFF, OKAY?!". She just looked down, slightly smirking, and I said, "I'm serious Solstice! I'd like to NOT DIE next year and I AM trying to be healthier not just for myself but for YOU AND YOUR SIBLINGS so get that goofy grin off your face!" She didn't say anything and just finished her food. After I cooled off a bit, I did go back and apologize because I did realize that this is kind of strong for a 12-year-old to process. She simply said, "No, mom, you're right....I shouldn't be making fun of you for this." I posted it on Lose It! and everyone said I did the right thing. I still felt a bit bad spewing my mouth like that at her, though.

My husband came home later than usual Friday. I told him in that argument I posted about awhile ago that I WILL NOT pressure him to work out, or be healthier. So, I had half-expected him not to remember anything about his last week's "I need to workout!" speech. But he surprised me! As we went to bed, he said, "Are you going to set your alarm so we can workout tomorrow?". Then on Sunday, he told the kids we HAD to be done with Family Movie Night at 9 so that "He and Mama could work out."

Can you SEE my jaw on the floor?! No? Well, just pretend you do, okay?

We did one workout that was tough even for me on Saturday, and the Leslie Sansone one mile walk on Sunday night. I got a little sad over Sunday, though...I was feeling a bit lazy(I'm not used to working out at night), so that's why I opted for the 1 mile instead of the 3. I felt kind of bad because I didn't sweat at all. Papa thought it would be funny to chase me around the bedroom trying to give me HIS sweat. It's days like these that I remember why I married that man.

Today, I woke up feeling sad and sluggish. Papa got an extra day home, so he had to leave today instead of his usual Sunday afternoon...but that didn't make his leaving any better to bear :( Also, I had just worked out before bed...although not my usual intensity, it was still a workout and I was still a bit tired after the fact.

My son and youngest daughter had asked last night if they could join me today, so I asked them if they wanted to join me, and they did for about 20-30 minutes, before going back to bed. I was just happy to hear their chatter as I worked out.

A little while later, my daughter came out of bed and for some reason, decided to weigh herself on my new scale. I finally bought a digital scale...even though I hadn't met my goal weight to do it, yet. It was mostly because I was sick and tired of having to use my phone to zoom in and see which little line it was telling me I weighed. Anyways, she wanted to weigh herself on the new scale. When she saw exactly how much she weighed, she moaned and looked like she was going to cry. She said, "Maybe I need to start watching what I eat and stuff like you do.". I was trying hard to not automatically think the worse, seeing as I'm a person that has struggled, then tried to embrace, and am currently working on, my weight. So, I said, "let's get some more information...maybe you're right where you need to be, or maybe you just need to play or exercise more, I'm not sure." So, we googled how to determine what her weight should be for her age and height, and she is a bit(not much!) off of where she should be roughly. I told her if she wants to try to lose a few pounds, I won't stop her. I also said if she needs help, since no one ever really taught me at her age, that I'd be willing to help. But the actual commitment part will be all her. Just like with my husband, I said I'm not going to nag her or question what or how much she's doing...which is hard for me! She said she wanted to give it a try, we looked on Lose It! to see how long it should take her to safely lose a few pounds, and then set a time frame for her to do it. She looked at me and said, "Wow, I could finally have the body I thought I'd only get in Heaven! The body I always dreamed of!".

A part of me wants to be proud she's taking this step, but the more sensitive part of me wants to tell her that it's just a number....but then I recall how cruel kids were to me when I was her age(yes, she is the EXACT same weight I was at her age). I know that she's had some confidence issues since starting puberty. I know she's joked about her weight, about how much she eats...and I know I used to do that too. But, "to every jest there's a shred of truth", and I know if my mom had shown even a tiny bit of interest in me trying to get to a healthy weight, I would have grabbed it for all it was worth. So, I told her my suggestions to help her get started, I told her not to get too crazy over it...losing weight, no matter if it's 1 pound or 2,000 pounds...takes time and energy and effort. That even if she doesn't get to what the internet says is "her healthy weight", that she's still her and as long as she's comfortable in her own skin, that's all that matters. I gave her a notebook to record her thoughts, log in her food, and her weight into. I also thought a reward would be in, I told her, for every so many pounds she lost, she'd get a book of her choosing. Her goal is 2 books. She wrote in her notebook and asked to look on Youtube for a more "hip"(well, "Not as mom-ish" were her exact words) workout for her to do later.

So, even though I'm feeling a bit "blah" today, I'm still really, really happy. My husband worked out five times in the past two weeks(he also cleared our land of weeds on Saturday afternoon, which, according to Lose It! counts as a workout). He also lost a few pounds since he went to the doctor a month ago! Also, my daughter is excited to try to get healthy and eat more sensible portions. I can't help but thank God for the changes I have seen in them over the past two weeks!

As for my own progress....I have lost weight!

Starting Weight- 210(ish?) pounds
Current Weight- 200.8 pounds

Not to toot my own horn, but.....*Toots own horn* !!! Yay!!!!

My goal is to ultimately get back down to my high school before I became a teen mom...130-150. I'd really like to just get down to 150, but my thinnest was 135, so we'll see!

What about you? What are some goals you guys have set, weight or otherwise? I'd love to hear about it!

Until Next Time,
~ Mama Jenn

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