Friday, July 1, 2016

Stepford Chronicles- Dieting for My Husband's Sake But Mostly My Own

Greetings, Chaotics!
Okay, I have something to confess.

It may come as a surprise to some.

Are you sitting down for this?

Okay....*deep breath*....

I have to confess...



I may or may not actually enjoy working out, and I'm dieting again...and I may or may not be liking that, too.

Are you going to be okay hearing this news?

That's not a representative of the Fat Girls Motorcyclycle Club in the back, ready to revoke my membership, is it?

No, I don't need a bar of chocolate, I haven't lost my mind.

I think.

Okay, in all seriousness....yes, I am watching my calories and I'm exercising. Remember my last post here and my  YouTube video here? Well, I thought I wasn't going to "do one of those crazy diets" like I said in another video. I was going to try and just eat real foods, because that worked so well for me a few years back when I went from my biggest weight- 220 lbs.- to something that didn't make my skin feel like it was about to explode- 198-200-ish(depending on the day and how much chocolate may or may not of been consumed). I thought it would work like last time, because, hey, I lost weight and ate better and worked out and everything was awesome and unicorns and glitter and all that jazz, am I right? husband.

You see, as much as I hate to admit this, but there's a fat person code. It's out there, it's unspoken, and yes, whether you acknowledge it or not, if you are fat, you do abide by most of its unspoken rules.

What kind of rules, you ask? Well, depending on your region of the country, the wording may vary. The top two rules that I break are-

1. If you give me food, I will pretty much eat it.


2. If there is another fat person in the same room as you as you eat, and they tend to eat more than you do, and you see this, you will try to self-consciously compete with them by forcing yourself to eat as much or more as they do. And if they eat faster than you do, then guess what? Pretty soon that casual eating experience starts to look like two sumo wrestlers at a food eating competition. Except no one wins. Except maybe the indigestion product companies.

I have concluded that my husband has become my supplier. Just like a crack addict meeting theirs in a back alley somewhere, my husband will arrive in the shadows of the night(because, hey, he's a truck driver and he's never guaranteed home at any day or hour), and I will meet him at a semi-private location(the kitchen). I will pace around frantically and with slight jitters to physically show that I need "the goods" and "I'm starting to have withdrawal symptoms". He will look around nervously to see that the food cops(i.e., my kids) aren't lurking around the corner, ready to do a seize on the goods. When there is no sign of the coppers and traffic around us is relatively still(i.e., the kids are on devices or watching TV), then he will either deliver the goods from a bag hidden in a special location(his coat pocket, his back pocket, behind his back, or his meal bag). I will glance around nervously to see if anyone detected the noise of said bag being opened/ moved, and he will either place it in my hand while kissing me, or he will quickly drop it at a pre-disclosed and agreed upon location for me to pick up later(the freezer). We will then exchange payment if we haven't done so already(a kiss), and then go our separate ways out of the kitchen, one at a time so as not to look conspicuous, and then we return about our normal duties.

What is this my husband is supplying me? Is it crack? Speed? Dope?

Nope. It's his weekly offering of chocolate.

Also, when he gets home, it's like that Bible story of the prodigal son. You know, the son leaves his father's home, spends his inheritance, becomes poor, contemplates eating pig food before thinking, oh, hey, maybe I should just go home and become a servant for my dad so at least I won't have to eat this crap. So, he returns, and much to his surprise, his father welcomes him with open arms, kills the fattened calf, and they have this big par-tay, because, hey, what once was lost has now been found!
Except that, it's my husband. He leaves the home every week, in his church clothes, gets super dirty doing truck driver related things, contemplates eating pig food(I mean, gas station food), before realizing, oh, hey, it's almost time to go back home to my wife and kids. And then he arrives on my door, the smell of diesel fuel and cigarettes still lingering a bit on him. Much to his surprise, his wife and children are there to greet him, welcoming him with open arms....killing whatever "fattened calf" I may of found on sale during my last shopping trip, and we have this big par-tay(okay, we have a feast and either games or movie night,  complete with popcorn and at least 1-2 desserts, but close enough), because, what once was lost has now been found!

I'm not sure how long those New Testament people par-tayed, but I'm pretty sure they didn't do this every. single. weekend. 
Keep in mind rule #2, and....yes, you have a recipe for disaster.
Oh, and indigestion.

I knew something needed to change, as did my husband. As our numbers on the scale started to climb, and we started to see some unpleasant side effects of living the fat life, we started to try and get serious.

It's a'climbing, and not in a good way(*-_-)

We tried doing what we could, we tried eating less, we tried eating better. We did exercise here and there.
But, the fat person code.
And money is tight.
And...freaking chocolate, and bacon.
Stupid chocolate and bacon. Why do you have to taste so good and ruin everything?!?!

Anyways, so I thought maybe if I tried to take this working out thing a bit more seriously...maybe the better eating would follow, or, if nothing else, maybe I'd actually lose a few pounds and that would propel me to take this a bit more seriously. But, of course, it didn't.

Do you know what it took for me to finally get angry enough to do something about it?

A huge blow-out between me and my husband And his leadership skills, or in my head at the time, a lack of.

You know those people who self-destruct because of things other people around them do? Well, that's what happened. Sort of.

I got so mad after trying so long to get things in order...I self-destructed.

"You want to be selfish about money? FINE! Then I'm going to take out our emergency savings and buy all of us clothes and things I've been putting off, because, budget!!!"

"You don't want to lead/be a good example in our health? WHATEVER, DUDE! I'm going to start working out and dieting by myself, then! If you want to stay fat, you're going to have to do it by yourself, because I'm not joining the pity-party fat club meetings anymore, DANG IT!!!" 

So, in my anger, I went out and bought, amoung other things....all this.
I got most of this on sale. Because, although I was angry, I'm not stupid. Most of the time. 
 That's right! This gal is on a diet!
I'm trying to keep it as simple as my simple little brain can handle right now. So, my diet "regimen" includes...
1. One of the two teas pictured(I alternate when I get bored with one), flavored with the Garcinia Cambogia packet.
2. 30 minutes later, a Slim-Fast Shake and a multivitamin
3. One gallon of water, sipped over the course of the day.
4. One more Slim Fast Shake at lunch
5. A container of yogurt for a snack
6. A small portioned dinner, one helping, no going back for seconds(that's what the plate is for, because I need to learn to portion myself better).
Please note- I am no longer drinking coffee at this time. I have started to drink less since April. I'm not sure if I will continue doing this or not. I do feel a bit sluggish/tired sometimes, but I'm hoping it will get better as I continue.
To give you an idea of what I'm considering a "small portion". If it doesn't fit on the plate, I don't eat it. 
 Oh, and I said working out, right? Well, after trying several things on and off for two months, and not finding one that I wanted to become frienemies with(because, let's be real here. Denise can become a little too happy and a little too annoying after awhile. I mean, we get it, Denise. You love helping people lose weight and be healthy. Tone it down, already.), I was SO HAPPY to find out that two or three people uploaded to YouTube a workout I used to do religiously when I was in my late teens! *Happy Squeals!*
Inhale with Steve Ross! 
 Now, before any of you say "Yoga is just stretching out of bed, it's not a REAL workout!" and all those funny meme's we see on social media about yoga, let me tell you, Steve will kick your butt, but make you laugh in a snarky way the entire time. And he will put music on in the background while kicking your butt via downward dogs and happy cows, that you will remember from growing up and then you won't be so mad at him for your hurting arms or sore legs. 
Or maybe that's just me.
I know this may come as a shock to some, but yes, I actually do love yoga. I was suprised to find out that, after three kids and a husband later, isn't as easy for me! Yes, that 150 pound young girl that thought she was obese(seriously, I wish I could slap my younger self), but could do a few(not all) of the advanced moves is now breaking into a huge sweat trying to push herself to do the beginners moves!

But I am still freaking loving it. 

For the next month, I'm going to try to do Inhale with Steve Ross at least four times a week, and keep with my diet regimen at least six. I'm giving myself what I heard another guru call a "YOLO day", because calling it a cheat seems wrong and dirty. I will still abide by the small plate rule, though, and I will still be attempting at least a gallon a day even though it's my cheat  YOLO day.
So far, I'm on week one. I did already backslide one day this week(Wednesday), because of my daughter's volunteer job and not being prepared food-wise for it. Now, I know better and will try my best to plan for it instead of hoping the kids get the memo to pack a meal. Because they always forget to pack a meal. 
Today will be my last day one week. And lookie! I lost some water weight! Went from 210-ish to 205-ish! Go me!

Five Pounds! Yipee!

Anyone else out there trying to shed a few pounds or just be a little bit more health-conscious this summer? I'd love to hear about it! Feel free to comment below or on my Youtube page.

Here's to a (hopefully) slimmer summer!

Until Next Time,
~ Mama Jenn

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